Cheese Sandwich

<snip>
A series of bleeps and bloops, nods, squints, mutterings, frowns and signs later, and they’d learned there was indeed talk on the skutter grapevine of a unit which'd gone a little odd. Apparently The Missus had previously dismissed it as idle machine-chatter, but now she wasn’t so sure.
“Great!” Smiled Eve. “Then we should probably start looking for a skutter!” She turned to her partner in detection. “What d’you say, Alex?”
However, Alex wasn’t seated next to her any more, he was currently hanging from the overhead lamp above Artie's desk.
“Good Science, Lanky Locks, what’re you doing up there!?”
Solvay scowled, and pointed at the massive furry spider who was purring, and nudging the desk beneath him.
<snip/>

Artemis hoisted the catrantula up and cradled it in his arms. The "beast" purred softly. "Seriously Alexander? We've discussed this, dear little Patches will do you no harm!" Artemis grinned at the man hanging from his ceiling. "I don't care, and I'm not coming down until that thing is either dead or out of my sight" Alex replied. Artemis set Patches down and the catrantula scurried into the shadows. Alex made his way down off the lamp. He stood next to Evelina and cleared his throat.

"Anyway...." Artemis began. "Bring the Skutter that contains Mr. Jaxx's mind back here and we'll work out a way to switch his mind back into his own body" Evelina nodded. "Thank you Artemis, Mrs. Pritchard" the pair left the lab. Artemis turned to The Missus. "What do you say we call it an early day?" Artemis suggested.

later

Artemis was leaned against the wall, a can of soda in his other hand. The Missus stood next to him, conversing with a vending machine. "The little smegger slept with Tammy!" the machine said. The Missus shook her head. "Heh, I always thought Lanky Locks had a thing for machines" Artemis said. "At least some of us around here are honest about our mechro-sexual preferences". "So how long until he graduates to forklifts and cranes?" The vending machine joked. The group broke into laughter. Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream.

<snip>
It was shortly after this confrontation, that Alex and Eve's ears were blasted by some blood curdling screams which were pulsing their disturbing way from a nearby toilet.
"Either someone's in trouble-" Eve began.
"... Or they've eaten one of Phil's vindaloos..." Alex murmured.

They pushed their way in, to find that Jay, lady-Plisken, and the wild newcomer were in there.

The crazed one was curled on the floor, and appeared most distressed indeed. Alex shot Plisken and Jay a concerned glance.

“Uh?”
<snip/>

Artemis arrived to see Jay, Plisken, Alex, and Evelina gathered around Boyd, who was chattering to himself.

"Ah, now that seems familiar" Artemis started... "I remember back when I used to get like that, high school, good times....anyway, looks like you gentlemen have this under control" Jay shot Artemis "the look".

"What? Had you let me take care of...." "No, because that would have entailed...." "What? Vivisection? Hah! I'm insane but not that insane. Yes, it requires cutting him open but only a small hole to insert a brain probe. Also, maybe a detox because this poor smeghead is probably swimming with toxins after all that time in a ship with a corpse"

Plisken looked at Boyd and then to Jay. "Look, I don't care how we fix this guy, but can we calm him down before he has an aneurysm?" Plisken said sternly. Jay sighed. "Alex, Evelina, what do you think?" Alex thought back to a pre-accident incident...

FLASHBACK!!!!

Alex was walking down the corridor of the science wing, smoking and contemplating what to do on his day off tomorrow. There was a blood curdling scream. A second technician came charging down the hall, foaming at the mouth and wearing nothing but his boots. Two men wearing science jumpsuits were chasing after him. Alex recognized the one in the lab coat now, it was Artemis. Artemis tackled the technician and akwardly positioned the crazed man's behind towards the other man. "Now Mr. Cadbury! Before he gets away!" Artemis shouted. Cadbury, toting a huge tank on his back and a crossbow loaded with a surgical tube took aim and fired the colonic into the technician's....

"Gah!" Alex shook the memory away. "I...think Artie has done this before. Remember that one guy in the hallway?" Artemis thought back...."Yes! Mr. Tibbits! The poor smegger ate a cheese sandwich laced with experimental narcotics, that colonic took quite some time..." Artemis smiled as he remembered the invasive procedure, scaring the others in the room. "Okay, you can do your procedure Artemis, but only if Jade and Phi are present...just in case" Jay said reluctantly, fearing for Boyd's life.

Artemis clapped giddily. "Oh splendid!" Artemis kneeled down beside Boyd and cradled the man in his arms. "There there...." he said, before chloroforming Boyd. "Now, somebody help me get this Smegger to my lab"

The Lab

Artemis was dressed in surgical attire and joined by Jade and Phi, who were also clad in scrubs. "This isn't your regular colonic Dr. Black, Mrs. Moreau. This is what I like to call...the cleaninator....heh, get it?" the two women stared at at Artie. Boyd, heavily drugged, laughed. "Hah! Boy gets it!" Artie said gleefully. "It's....Boyd" the crazed pilot mumbled. "Now, let's see that test" Artemis said, turning to tend to the cleaninator. The Missus, clad in scrubs as well, handed a toxicity report to Jade. "Christ, this guy's got enough drugs and toxins in him to kill a family of Huzzards. How is he still alive?" Jade commented. "Pure luck, it would seem" Phi added.

Artemis pulled what looked like a pressure washer out of a case and attached it to the machine. "Please restrain Boy" Before Boyd could respond, Jade and Phi grabbed him and held him down. The drugs prevented Boyd from freaking out, but he could still tell something bad was about to happen. "Wait....this....this isn't good" Boyd mumbled. "Think of kittens, Mr. Weathers" Artemis said. Just as Boyd started to picture fluffy felines.... "GAH! What the hell man, I thought you had a wife!" Boyd slurred.

Artemis cleared his throat "Okay, once we get Boy...." "It's....Boyd" "....cleaned out we'll commence with the brain probe and find out what's wrong with him. After that, I'll turn him over to you Dr. Black and you can begin treatment to....curb his tendancies" Jade nodded. "Sounds like a plan"

"Now turn on the machine" Artemis said. "And once that baby spins up to 88, you're gonna see some real serious shit...." Artemis joked. Jade and Phi laughed, Boyd was quiet. "Wait...I didn't get that one, what did you stick in my..." The dial hit 88...

Boyd's pained screams echoed throughout the ship.....
For some reason when Alex heard the screams he couldn't stop thinking about cheese sandwiches....

<tag>

Did you get the "some serious shit?" line? didja?! didja?!