8100D-DR1NK3R (Flashback Week)

OOC-I’ve decided to go with a different Flashback week post than my original idea. This gives some insight into Artemis’ connection with the GELF uprising and his intense fear of the color Mauve! It also shows how he became proficient at makeshift arms, and why he doesn't trust firearms. You'll laugh, you'll vomit, you'll consider taking up salsa lessons, and you'll gain some insight on the neurotic super genius that married a Skutter and has a legitimate degree in Astrology (look it up).

“Begin Log. This is Dr. Artemis K. Pritchard VI recording at the Guild of Science Charon Facility. I am reporting on experiment 8100D-DR1NK3R, codenamed Toast. I would also like to report that we are low on codenames and have had to dip into the “Backup” file. If you want our experiments to sound less stupid than maybe you should approve my damn requisition forms? Anyway, Toast is the failed prototype for the Mark XXXV industrial GELF’s. The GELF’s are sapient lizards that we bred to be perfect laborers, however, Toast developed differently. It received too much intelligence, grew to be too physically perfect, and was programmed with too many horror films during infancy. He is now a psychotic madman who drinks the blood of his victims, gross right? On the official Guild of Science Madman Rating Scale he places somewhere between George W. Bush and Charlie Sheen. We’ve lifted his permanent isolation and have begun injections to reduce his aggression and sex appeal towards robots to reduce the likelihood of a messy incident here at the facility. So far the restraints in the chamber have been able to hold him, and we think we’ve made some progress. He has begun saying “please” and “may I” when asking to decapitate me and my colleagues. We are about to begin round eight of the treatments, I will report when the experiment has concluded”

The alarms sounded from all around. Artemis ran as fast as he could through the corridors trying to find the emergency shelter. “CONTAINMENT BREACH. CONTAINMENT BREACH, EXPERIMENT 8100D-DR1NK3R HAS ESCAPED CONTAINMENT” the computer announced. Artemis could hear gunfire and screaming from all around as his colleagues were murdered one by one. He wasn’t going to join them, he told himself. When Artemis reached the shelter he discovered that it had already been sealed. “It’s Dr. Pritchard! Let me in!” He shouted. “Sorry Artie, we’re not taking any chances!” “Open the door you cowards he’s so close!” “Look, I know that was you who stole my pizza from the fridge. So consider this payback” “IT WASN’T YOURS LANSTROM BOUGHT THAT PIZZA FOR EVERYONE YOU DOLTISH BASTARD!” Artemis could hear something at the end of the hall. “Artie! Come here, I want to drink the fluid from your spine!” There was a Mauve flash and Artemis was knocked out.

Artemis awoke some time later in a daze. He went to rub his forehead when he noticed that a knife had been stuck into his arm. Luckily, it was the robotic one and it hadn’t done much damage. At his feet was a pile of similar knives, each literally with his name on it. He looked around the room, it was covered in the bloody remains of his colleagues. As he got up he noticed a body covered by a blanket laying in the corner. He approached it and lifted the sheet. “Oh for smegs sake woman!” Artemis yelled. Underneath the blanket was one of the lab robots, recently “visited” by the creature. “What? Don’t be mad because you don’t move like he does!” The robot blurted, covering herself up. “Well as soon as I’m done trying not to die I know one robot who’s getting her mind wiped!” Artemis said, leaving the room. He scurried down the dark hallway to the security station. The two guards had been decapitated, the room was painted with their blood. After vomiting profusely, Artemis entered the room. The controls had been destroyed with a blunt object, and the equipment lockers raided, leaving the room of little use to Artemis. The only things he recovered were a flashlight and a pistol. He checked the magazine, three of the ten rounds were missing, the guard tried in vain to defend himself. As Artemis slid the magazine back into the gun the intercom bell rang. “Dr. Pritchard, so nice to see you. I’m sorry I couldn’t finish our little game, but a man has his needs. I’m going to look so forward to hunting you through the building like a wild animal. Don’t worry, I won’t have too much fun. See you soon Artie!” Like Hell! Artemis thought. I’m out of this dump!

Artemis tried in vain to open the airlock. Somebody had sealed it and disabled local access. “Leaving so soon Artie? But I was really enjoying our game” Artemis was furious. Who does this guy think he is toying with his creator like this? “Listen up you Mauve bastard” Artemis yelled. “Game on!”

Artemis crept down the hallway, pistol and flashlight drawn. He scanned the area around him, checking every nook and cranny for any sign of the purple-pink nightmare that was stalking him through the facility. “What’s the matter 8100D-DR1NK3R? Not man enough to come out?” Artemis heard muffled sounds from a nearby room. He charged inside to find Toast and a robot on the floor of the incubator lab. “Damnit!” Artemis shouted, shielding his eyes. “Not man enough?” Toast said mockingly. “I’m more of a man than you, mister YY chromosome. Just ask #45 here” Toast slipped back into his jumpsuit and pulled a machete from the leg mounted sheath. He charged at Artemis, who fired several rounds at him. Toast deflected the bullets with the machete and sank it into Artemis’ shoulder. “Gah! That was the good one!” Artemis said, head-butting toast. Artemis scrambled into a corner. Toast charged at him. Artemis emptied the clip into the Mauve demon. Toast slumped down and cried out in pain. He grabbed his stomach, blood seeped out from between his fingers. Toast charged away, leaving a small trail of blood. Artemis pulled the machete out of his shoulder and proceeded to cover the wound with his tie. Artemis pondered his next tactic. Toast was wounded, so he would be slower. However, he healed quickly and likely find a more terrifying weapon than the machete. Artemis was now out of bullets and had a wound in his “good” shoulder, leaving him without a good shooting hand. He would have to find something different to take Toast down with. Bullets didn’t do the job and Artemis wasn’t willing to get close enough to use a blunt object. But what about fire? Thought Artemis.

It wasn’t pretty, but it would work. By modifying a torch to fire its fuel and adding a Zippo to the front, Artemis created a rudimentary flamethrower to murder his creation with. Artemis followed the trail of blood, which was becoming thinner and thinner, meaning that he was healing. The trail ended in the chemistry lab. “Looks like you’ve got a new toy Artie, I hope you’re not planning to use that on me” Artemis fired the flamethrower into the lab. He swept back and forth coating the lab in fire. From behind the flames, Artemis could see Toast charging at him. He fired at Toast, screaming like a mad man. Toast dodged the flames, and closed in on Artemis. Artemis dodged the hulking lizard and continued to fire at him. The lizard was too quick, and the room was becoming too engulfed with flames for his current plan to work. Artemis needed a way out. He put some distance between him and Toast. He quickly slapped a tube onto a tank of oxygen and put the other end into his mouth. Artemis slapped the fire alarm switch and started the flow of oxygen. “FIRE IN THE CHEMISTRY LAB, FIRE SUPRESSION ENGAGED” The atmospheric vents began sucking the air out of the room. Toast frantically searched for a way out, eventually disappearing into the smoke. Artemis waited until the atmosphere was pumped back into the lab and looked around. In the corner of the lab was the charred remains of another robot, recently pleasured by Toast. Artemis had an idea….

Toast skulked around the atrium. “Artie, come out Artie!” He said threateningly. Toast noticed someone out of the corner of his eye. It was a robot, conducting repairs. Toast swaggered over to the robot and caressed her arm. “Hey baby, wanna have some fun?” He said smoothly. The robot turned around, it was Artemis! “I don’t bat for that team pal” Said the costumed scientist. Artemis fired a cone of flames at Toast. Toast slumped to the ground and rolled around the floor screaming. Artemis continued firing until Toast stopped moving. “You were an interesting subject, very intelligent, very creative. But you should have known that no experiment will ever best its creator” Artemis spit on the corpse and walked away.

4 years later

Artemis and his assistant Frank Cadbury walked along the outer hull of Blue Dwarf taking radiation readings. As they rounded a corner, Frank saw something out of the corner of his eye and stopped. “Come Mr. Cadbury there is much to do!” cried Artemis. Frank joined the scientist and continued their work. From behind a radar dish came Toast, horribly disfigured and toting a scythe. He stalked the men down the catwalk and eventually into the ship……