Man, this Class Sucks

Plisken watched as his comrades where swamped by the beautiful and alluring demons. A slight pang of jealousy hit him as the demons descended. Surely he was the best looking here?
“NO!” said Plisken loudly, slapping himself to remove those ridiculous thoughts. In any other environment, this would have attracted much attention but amidst the frenzy of lust and love.
“The longer you fight who you are, the slower your powers develop,” muttered Treguard seemingly from thin air.
“Surely that’s a good thing,” snapped Plisken as he slapped one of the Succubi away- they’d never be able to get it up anyway.
“What about your friends?” said Treguard as he stepped from the shadows. He reminded Plisken of a general he’d known back in the good old days- the same face and beard.
“What about them? Looks their having a great time,” said Plisken, waving his right arm in the direction of Alex- who was now playing for both teams by the looks of things.
Treguard laughed and cast his hand over the scene before Plisken. The gesture took down the disguise of the ‘angles’- revealing their true form: retched and vile. Plisken felt himself take a step back in disgust at the creatures, their crooked faces broken by a cracked smile of yellowed fangs. The skin turned from being gloriously smooth and silky to scared, twisted and scaled. Their eyes had once been a bright mix of greens, blues, browns and ambers but now a piercing red with yellow slits.
“They look like…” began Plisken as he pieced together his memories, “Vorka. But how is that possible? We covered that incident up! With a Q-Bomb! The planet doesn’t exist anymore!”
“This is AR, Plisken. Think back to the Vorka, allow how you felt about them fill you,” soothed Treguard, taking on an almost wizard like quality. Time almost seemed to slow as everything came back to Plisken.
“The Vorka, GELF species created on planet Sidonis Six…”

A long, long time ago on a planet far, far away

Bullets smacked into the metal behind, making holes for the fuel to pour out. Someone was shouting to get it fixed but none of the engineers were left. The black liquid leaked out of the wounds, onto the snowy ground, and the vehicle roared like a dying animal. The overly affectionate driver soothed the tank, re-assuring her that she’d be alright. The gun thunder and belched a large round that punched its way through the building, killing those that had tried to hurt here. The driver patted the surface of the tank and said things like “Well done” and “Good girl.”
“Donnelly!” shouted the same voice from before, “Get that tank turned on the Primes!”
“Yes, commander!” shouted back the tank driver in a thick Scottish accent. The barrel of the gun was giving of steam from the melted snow that fell on the hot metal.
“Echo Squad! To me!” the commander bellowed down the radio.
The frozen planet of Sidonis Six was on the outer rim of ‘civilised’ space, far away from the prying eyes of the governments and theocratic states. The planet was a huge lump of rock floating far from its suns, Tango 177 and Sierra 115. It was as far from the Space Corps HQ as would allow, something that a young fresh faced private in Echo Squad was all too happy about.
The soldiers of Echo Squad ducked as they ran, taking cover from the enemies bullets. Their blue/grey great coats billowed in the wind and snow tried to claim their vision by clouding around the visors of the gasmasks. Charlie, November and Yankee squad held the line, ducking in and out of cover to take shots and the enemy, bursts of gunfire a constant sound now in the city of Hothinia, the one and only settlement on Sidonis Six. Tall spires reached up into the sky, seemingly touching the binary suns that would have been seen in the sky if it hadn’t been for the constant snow storms that plagued the city.
“Quickly now Echo!” said the commander, clapping her hands to spur that squad on. The commander was a tall and slim woman, shapely too. Not the kind of body you’d expect to see on a battle field, especially the 64th Parallel, the line that divided the city from the Space Corps forces and the enemy. But she also bore the scars of war, a deep wound traced its way down her neck and along the edges of the metal prosthetic that sealed the otherwise exposed flesh, regulating her breathing and allowing her to live. She wore her rank well, her greatcoat adorned with the elaborate markings becoming of her rank- tarnished golden braids falling from brazened epaulettes. A ling of three golden pips and a single black pip with a golden rim decorated the collar of her thick under shirt, indicating her rank. The under shirt, a red livery, showed that she belonged to the basic infantry.
“Echo Squad reporting in!” said a private from behind a dirty gasmask.
“What happened to Sergeant Garkarian?” asked the commander, not a slight sign of worry in her voice.
“Dead sir!”
“Take that mask of soldier. So what’s your name private?”
The private removed the masks, breathing in the cold crisp air that hadn’t been processed through the filters. He revealed his piercing green eyes and shoulder length brown hair fell down onto his broad frame. “Plisken, ma’am. Thomas Plisken.
“Well Plisken,” said the commander as she picked up a spare greatcoat, “Consider yourself promoted.”
This new great coat had the stripes of the sergeant adorned on the arm, a significant leap up from being a private.
Suddenly, the radio in the far corner burst into life- static barking from the speakers.
“Bravo Bravo Charlie, this is Captain Capaldi. The Doctor is coming; I repeat the Doctor is coming.”
The commander whirled around to run to the radio, “Plisken, get the squads ready!”
“Ma’am, what is it?”
“It’s the –“

A quick race to the present day

The current events snapped back into focus. Gone was the frozen planet of Sidonis Six and the Commander and back were the Succubi and the Dwarfers.
“Hey…” said Plisken sluggishly as his brain struggled to switch focus from the deep exploration of his memories, something that was very normal to Plisken, to the present day and the ridiculousness of their predicament. Plisken looked around, “Treguard?” The man had gone, leaving little to show he was even here. The old man stretched his arms, letting his brain slowly work its way to a plan. His hands traced the side of his torso, smoothing out his dress. But his hands, both his flesh and bone and metal one, reached his chest, they found themselves forced to move outwards and around to large bulbous objects. Plisken, for a moment, filled with a sense of joy and pleasure. But it was quickly replaced by a flood of fear and embarrassment.

“Son of a mother fucking bitch.”

In most other circumstances, in fact Plisken was pretty sure that in ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCE IN THE UNIVERSE, he would have been quite happy to have his hands on two large breasts and be able to fondle freely with them but in this case he was quite apposed to the idea.
“Level up…” came the sneering voice of the Dungeon Master inside Plisken’s head followed shortly by a laugh that almost cracked Plisken’s calm wide open. “Your powers of seduction have increased,” whispered Treguard.
Several of the angles/demons turned away from their prey and looked at Plisken, large tits and all. Without so much as a wave, the creatures bowed down at the old man’s feet.
“You should consider yourself lucky,” said Treguard, “The others are embracing their darker sides, confronting who they truly are. If you were to do that, well, the final boss would have a run for his money. But these demons are at your command; do with them as you will.” Treguard became quiet.
Plisken threw his arm out, indicating to the exit. Perhaps they would come in useful later.

<SNIP>
Alex snatched the drink back off the pourer, gulped a load of it down, then with a rage akin to Vesuvius erupting Alex roared – his stomach the furnace, his lungs the bellows - belching flame around the room like a wrathful fire-breather. A Dark Dragon himself.
The ‘angels’ or demons, or gremlins all put their arms over their faces, as if futilely shielding themselves from a nuclear blast.
Then they all crumbled to dust.
The Dwarfers were, fortunately, unharmed.
Treguard appeared, applauding slowly. I wasn’t sure if it was sincere, or sinister.
“Congratulations, Fool. You have unearthed the power of Dragon’s Breath.”
“I haven't seen anyone belch like that since Phil ate sixteen bowls, during chili night..." Jay offered.
"My throat, it's sore. And it was more of a 'roar'..."
Plisken nodded. "Like you then, laddy. You're in the raw..."
Alex suddenly realised he was indeed virtually-naked, and grabbed the nearby hat to cover matters.
Evelina's protective flame wall died down a shortly after Alex's attack to reveal Evelina and Jaxx still hugging. Jaxx looked at Evelina and said, "It totally looks like Alex dude beefed up to Eve babe." Evelina nodded as she said, "Wow that was a weird power. I wonder what power you will get?" Jaxx shrugged as he said, "Who knows Eve babe. I hope its totally useful through. It would totally be my luck that its flower pruning or something like that."
</Snip>

The violent wave of Jade’s burst of sorrow washed over Plisken, feeling every sadness and regret burst from his soul. Outside the VR, sparks flew from Plisken’s console as the 400 years of memories were distilled for the ones that caused grief and pain, which were a lot. Every battle, every loved one, every child, almost every friend- all pain.
“I guess this is what I get for not opening up,” said Plisken as the old man struggled to make it to his feet.
He chocked back some of the contents of his stomach that had tried to make a break for freedom without using the primary exit port and stood up straight.
Jade was lying on the dance floor, exhausted from her ordeal. Surely there was an easier way to view unlocked powers? Something like a status screen or magic menu.
Someone should go to her. Plisken thought. Alex was probably the best one for it, Plisken himself being dressed in drag and with a new set of boobs. Not that he’d had any before. That he could remember…
<Snip>

He caught Jaxx’s eye and gave him a meaningful look. Go on he was trying to convey. Give the woman a cuddle… Comfort her. Still somewhat bewildered after his own sorrowful feelings, the shark-dude looked confused. Alex rolled his eyes and tried Plisken, whose expression gave nothing away.
Not sure if either them had got it, he quickly looked around at everyone else. They were all looking fuzzy - one good thing about the sorrow-wave, it’d stopped everyone gawping at him.
Jamie? Jay? Jacky… Artie… Evelina? Anyone Alex thought. F'smeg's sake, someone look after her.
There was something in her eyes as she looked at him which made him think that if he got up and reached out a hand, she'd only snatch herself away.... Before de-testicling him with her scythe, most likely.
His Man-Sense reminded him that women's more complex logic was often confusing, and though she didn't seem to want him near her, if he didn't do anything, there was the risk that she'd think he was cold or something.
But, he reasoned, that was still better than upsetting her by getting too close, (and definitely better than the frightening thought of virtual-castration. Who knew how realistic the pain of that would be).
“Isn’t anyone gonna give her a hug?” He grumbled aloud. Deciding he'd try to play a comforting tune on his lute.

</Snip>

Plisken was mentally shouting things like “ALEX!! DO SOMETHING SON!” but unfortunately, an increase in Plisken’s telepathic skills had not been one of the bonuses of his class.

<Snip>

Jaxx looked at Alex with a cold stare as he said, "You totally think your the only dude here that has a monster inside? According to Holly dude you totally met mine several times bro." Alex recalled all the horrible episodes of Jaxx on his rampages. Jaxx looked at Alex as he was almost done getting dressed and said, "You have a choice bro. Do you like want to be a man or a heinous monster?" Alex stared at Jaxx silently. Then Jaxx said, "Make your choice bro. Cause you totally can't be both." Alex finished getting dressed and Jaxx walked back to talk to Evelina to talk to her.

</Snip>

Plisken felt a wave of realisation wash over him, Jaxx was a MACO! Of course he was, how could he have forgotten? Or not noticed? MACOs (or at least experimental ones) had been on Sidonis Six! Deep under the ground of Hothinia. Why had he forgotten? Or not noticed? Things were strange indeed.

<sniperoo>

"You have a choice bro. Do you like want to be a man or a heinous monster? " Alex stared at Jaxx silently. Then Jaxx said, "Make your choice bro. Cause you totally can't be both."
As Jaxx walked off, Alex thought about what the shark-guy had said. He wondered if he was referring to his… liking a drinkness, or his despair over killing Jacob, or the other things which haunted him. Perhaps he just meant his Dark Jester guise… Or perhaps something else entirely. He squinted after him. Maybe he’d ask.
Whatever he meant, he appreciated him coming over to help. And he’d seen him direct Evelina over to Jade, and Jamie had headed to her as well. He breathed a grateful sigh of relief.
He wasn’t only relieved that Jade was in good hands, but that Jaxx had allowed him to get dressed again.
He picked up his lute, and began to play the comforting tune he'd imagined in his head.
There was no time for comforting though, as the floor began to rumble, shaking most from their daze.

</snip snip>

“Oh now this is just stupid!” bellowed Plisken, trying to voice his opinions over the thundering of the strange slug like creature that had broken the surface of the ground. It was similar to the sand worms back on the desert planet, except they did it with style. That seemed like so long ago.
The Dungeon Master smiled. “Clearance? Ah you mean, have you been granted rights to the Chamber of Boridium yet? No, child. Did I forget to mention? The Succubi were merely an aperitif to wet, er stimulate you.” He chuckled darkly. “Er, that is to say to whet your appetites for further adventure.”
“So, is this the main course?” Plisken bellowed, nodding at the new horror, and trying to arrange his bosom in a comely fashion in the hope that giant death worms were into man-madams. Into keeping them alive and not making them a meal, that was.
Treguard shrugged noncommittally. “That’s up to you, but just for fun, let’s lower your points. You no longer have any special powers until you find the Chamber of Boridium.”
"What!?" Plisken raged.
Treguard glared around at them.
“Any of you…”
Gorramit! thought Plisken. Just when he thought he’d nailed down the guy as a kinky weirdo, he reveals this whole other sadistic side to him. What happened to the tender and caring Treguard that would guide young adventures through the dangerous dungeons and instruct them on when it would be appropriate to consume food? What happened? He hitched up his skirts and began to run with the others, his chest bouncing happily as he went (much to the frustration of their owner).

<Snip>
He unbolted the huge door, and pushed it open. It was heavy and swung immediately into the room under its own weight, dragging the Priest with it.
Unfortunately, the room’s floor wasn’t where you’d expect it to be, and Jay was left dangling, clinging to the door-catch, over a pit full of the giant slug-worms. And they looked hungry. The feeling... The magnetic draw... It had been a trap.
He turned to look back at the others.
“Oh smeg” he uttered, before losing his grip and falling down, quickly becoming lost in the seething mass…
"Oh this isn't good." Alex's stomach lurched in concern for the leader. "... I preferred having wood."
He had a horrible feeling that it wasn’t just a game any more and was worried about the real-life implications of injuries sustained within the artificial reality. Sooner they powered up in the Chamber of Boridium, and defeated the first Boss, the better. At least they'd have made a chunk of positive progress then.
Oh shit... That's it...
That's why the trap... the virus didn't want them to enter the chamber, because it knew then they'd have enough power to start wiping it out. It was getting wise to their plan.
That may also explain why the originally-friendly Treguard seemed a bit... Unstable. Probably virus-affected.
He couldn’t tell how much time had passed since they’d been in the simulation, but he hoped to Gods everything was ticking over safely in the real world..
He shuddered to think what the smeg would happen if Jay got eaten.

</Snip>

<OOC - I know this is all kind of irrelevant but that's the way things are when you haven't got the interwebs.>