Lt. Jason Smegg - "Chicken farmers in the engines"
Lt. Smegg had missed out on the space battle of a lifetime.
On the other hand, maybe that was a good thing.
See, he'd just finished checking the ship's engines for any damage from
the microwave radiation sweep (under orders from the newly competent
captain) (there wasn't any damage) (although he doubted the same could be
said for the hologrid) and had heard of a commotion in cargo bay 9. Where
the polymorph was supposed to be going. He had ran as quickly as possible
(not very fast) to the cargo bay, only to see the body of a huge,
enormous, colossal monster lying on the floor, and the captain standing
there with some sort of souped-up bazookoid with his usual expressionless
look on his face.
In other words, everything was back to normal.
-----
Smegg presently worked on helping the Proxima Orbital Poultry Facility's
somewhat incompetent engineers check the engines for defects. It was not
a fun task; this was why he was not an Academy instructor.
"But I just told you, we checked the engines yesterday after the
radiation sweep!" he protested.
"Sorry," the head of the Proxima team replied, "but we have to follow
Space Corps Directive 8996: 'A starship must have its engines inspected
by base crew at any time it docks at a starbase or other orbital
facility.' "
"But our 'ship' is three times the size of your freaking 'base'!" Smegg
exclaimed. "You'd be docked to us, if it weren't for the fact that we
actually have engines and your little McNugget factory doesn't!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smegg, but regulations are regulations."
"And you can stick those regulations up your --"
Just then the Captain walked into the engineering room to check on the
progress of the engineering teams.
"Did someone say McNuggets? I haven't had any in... uhh, when was it the
McDonalds blew up? let me check my PalmPilot LXXXVII... shit, where is
it? did I leave it under my mattress again?"
-----
Then there was the matter of the new crew. Lieutenant Smegg got to meet
his new assistant, Ensign Steev Mackenzyyyyyyy (or however he spelled it)
quickly, and took an immediate liking to the fellow geek. However, their
friendship soon turned sour while they were working on the problem of
downloading Phill FeBuggure, the new hologram.
Smegg (singing): "It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere, I'm
stranded here all alone..."
Mackenzyyyyyyy: What the smeg is that... Heh! Smeg - like your name, heh.
Smegg (grumbling): Yeah. Whatever.
McK: Sorry.
Smegg: OK, now let's get the plasma phase flux capacitors into sync with
the dynamical photon alteration systems. (Starts whistling something)
McK: What's that?
Smegg: Ummm... Twisted Brain Zone Act 4, from Sonic the Hedgehog's Robo
Adventure.
McK (manic): Sonic the Hedgehog! I remember that! I saw that game once in
an antique store! You actually play those old games?
Smegg: Yup. I like the old style non-immersive games for a change of
pace.
McK: And - and - yeah, I think they're selling for 3,000 credits on the
Antique Roadkill Show on PBS!
Smegg: You watch PBS too? I thought that was only for old farts and geeks
like me!
McK (now really out of it): Really? Me too! Wow! This is totally wacko
dood! I gotta write this down, like, somewhere, umm, can I use your
shirt, here goes, "Lt. Smegg is cool!" No wait that won't work, how will
I remember? I know! I'll take your shirt! I'm a genius! (takes Smegg's
shirt off)
Smegg (thinking ok this guy's even too geeky for me): Hey Zaphod, what's
gotten into you?!
McK: Zaphod! Haha! I remember that one too! I loved the part where the
Vogon captain read his poem and Arthur said "Oh the humanity of it" and
Ford whispered in his ear "no no the vogonity the vogonity" -- But then
there was that part where they got thrown out the airlock - I could have
thought of better lines than "Resistance is useless" - I mean, that's
stolen right off Locutus - or is that Darth Vader? Waaha! (suddenly
depressive again) Uh? What were you talking about? Plasma fluxors?
Smegg grabbed his shirt back from McKenzyyyyyy's suddenly limp hands and
ran off to the laundry room.
--------------------------------------------
"Let me get this straight - you want to fly on a magic carpet to visit
the king of the
Potato People and plead for your freedom? And you want me to believe
you're perfectly sane?"
-Psycho Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf, "Quarantine"
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