.......And along came Artie

"For the last time, I'm not giving you anything for your smegging little rebellion except for the standard combat stims and medical equipment!" Artemis shouted at the top of his lungs while zig-zagging through his lab, trying to lose the crewman (NOTE: If somebody wants to be this crewman, let me know!) that was tailing him. "Doctor, the company is going to make their move and we could use some of your ray guns and heavy ordnance!". Artemis groaned and turned to face his follower. "Okay, I'm going to tell you ONE MORE TIME! I do not make heavy ordnance, I do not make ray-guns anymore, and I could give a smeg if the company is going to make their move, you don't even have proof!" "You want proof? How about the fact that they've been trying to sabotage Blue Dwarf?" "When? When did they try to sabotage the ship?" "Why are you being such an ass?" Artemis groaned lounder, and slammed his head against a metal support beam in anger. "Okay, here's my conundrum. There's no evidence that the Jupiter Mining Company wants to kill us! The only evidence that I can see is that some of my fellow crew wants highly dangerous tools, which, FYI, are NOT made for combat, to fight the company! I'm liable if somebody gets de-phased from reality or reduced to a globby mess of their base components! I've lost one job, I'm not losing another!" The crewman scoffed. "The company is going to make their move soon, and when they do, you'll see I was right!" "Yeah, well when you pick up arms give me fair warning so I can hop on the next Starbug out of here! Mr. Cadbury, show our guest to the door!" Artemis' assistant escorted the crewman out of the lab. Artemis recomposed himself and returned to his grand experiment. "I'm literally trembling with excitement Frank!" Artemis said, dwildling his fingers in an evil temple of contemplation. "I think that's the temperature drop sir!" Cadbury replied, walking up to Artemis. Artemis turned to the clueless assistant and glared at him. "Frank?" "Yes sir?" Artemis poked him in the eyes. "What did I say about correcting me?" "Don't?" Cadbury replied with a tone of anguish. Cadbury stood back up and took his place near the device, rubbing his eyes and checking for blood. "This is it, all my years of sacrifice and hard work are about to pay off!" Artemis slipped his glasses into his jacket pocket and pulled the goggles down over his eyes. "Okay Mr. Cadbury, turn on the generators!" Cadbury pushed several buttons on his console. In the depths of the ship, several illegally installed generators came online and powered the experiment. Artemis pulled the tarp covering the device off and tossed it aside. He marveled in astonishment at the Cold Fusion Laser sitting before him. "It's quite the eyesore Dr. Pritchard" Holly commented. "Well, if you got me the high-end electronics I requested then maybe it would be a sleek, silver beauty instead of a patchwork mess!" Artemis retorted. "Yeah, well it's not like the Space Corps banned you from using the requisitions system for your mad experiments or anything" Holly said smugly. "Smeg off you silicon piece of garbage! If I had my way you would have been replaced by a talking cat years ago!" "If you had your way there'd be an insectoid death match fighting league on Blue Dwarf. How exactly did you plan to make that work considering there's no sentient bugs on the ship?" Artemis pointed at Holly and stammered, trying to think up a retort. "You're bald!" was all he managed to think up. "Sir, are we going to test the laser or not?" Cadbury asked. "Yes, yes, let's get this underway shall we?" Artemis took his place at the center console and began entering complex equations into the computer. "Okay, targeting the mannequin" The laser slowly rotated to face a mannequin on the far side of the lab. "Powering coils, dropping internal temperature, okay Mr. Cadbury, fire when ready!" Cadbury grabbed the firing lever, waited several seconds, and pulled with all his might. A white light erupted from the laser, and a deafening roar wracked their ears. Artemis looked up from behind the console, the mannequin was completely unaffected by the blast. "Mr. Cadbury, why isn't there a mannequincicle on the testing range?" Artemis asked in a low voice, drumming his fingers on the console. "I don't know sir, I'll run a diagnostic" The diagnostic found nothing wrong. Artemis, thinking that his assistant had done something wrong, ran a second diagnostic. "If nothing is wrong then why didn't the laser work?" Artemis said angrily. "Maybe because the circuit breaker blew last night and you didn't replace the broken fuses?" Holly said condescendingly. Artemis again pointed at him and stammered. "Well, I guess I'll just attend to it then, shan't I?" "Shan't isn't a word mister English PhD" "You incompetent smegger! It's a contraction of shall and not!" "Okay, so you said, in context, "I'll just attend to it then, shall not I?" "No you git! Saying "I shan't" is terrible syntax and putting an I in shan't would destroy the whole purpose. So by saying "Shan't I", I made it easier for everyone listening to understand me. So HA! Your logic is flawed" Artemis laughed his way to the circuit breaker. "Okay, I'm replacing the fuses now. Is there any change?" He shouted from the back room. "Uh, no" Cadbury replied. "How about now?" "no" "Now?" "No...wait, yeah, the power level just went up! In fact, it's...." an explosion erupted from the base of the laser. "Uh sir....." Cadbury said, backing away from the laser. Artemis ran out into the room, screamed like a girl, and ran to the central console. "It isn't responding to shut down commands, Cadbury, go down to the sub-deck and cut the generators! I'll try to remove the fusion coil before it bursts!" Cadbury rushed out of the room. Artemis charged up to the laser and frantically removed the panels covering the irreplaceable fusion coil. He struggled to pull the massive piece of equipment from the melting hull of the laser. "Emergency, Emergency. It's still going on...." Holly repeated. "I know you idiot! Call for help!" Artemis shouted over the roaring laser and ambient blasts. "What do you think I'm doing? I don't just chant that for my health" Holly retorted smugly. The fusion coil was almost free, Pritchard gave one final tug, but instead of coming free, it came into contact with a live wire, which charged the coil. The coil activated the laser. In an instant, the entire lab, Pritchard and all, was frozen solid. An entire lifetime's worth of work had come crashing down in a brilliant spectacle. In a way, Artemis was successful. Several hours later a rush of Cadmium 2 rushed through the ship, forcing the crew into stasis before anyone had a chance to notice the deep freeze in the Innovative Sciences lab. Luckily, Dr. Artemis K. Pritchard VI would survive, thanks to the layers of ice covering every nook and cranny of the lab......

3,000,000+ years later

The soup machine in the break room just above the lab had been steadily dripping a constant stream of hot, chicken soup into the ice-filled lab for the past million years. Fortunately, it was close enough to Artemis to thaw him out. After years of cryogenic stasis, the thawing was finally enough to free him from the thick, ice covered hole he had fallen into. Artemis took a deep breath of the cold, stale air. "My god! I'm alive!" He shouted with a raspy, tired voice. "Mr. Cadbury! Come help me!" Artemis shouted. The room was quiet, there was no reply. "Mr. Cadbury, come to my aid before I strap you to a garbage pod and shoot you into space!" Artemis said angrily. No reply. Artemis attempted to grab the edge of the hole with his organic arm, but his limp, useless arm came back down and hit him in the face. Artemis then swung his frozen, but still slightly functional mechanoid arm onto the edge of the hole and pulled himself out. A small area of ice had been melted around the hole, but the rest of the lab was frozen solid. "Well, this sucks" he said quietly, sitting in disbelief at the damage done. "Holly, page engineering please and have them turn up the heat" Holly didn't respond. "Holly? Look, you can stop the silent treatment you big baby! I am ordering you as head of Innovative Sciences to page engineering!" the computer screen on the opposite wall remained dark. Artemis scrambled to his feet and shuffled over to the control terminal below Holly's screen. He fell several times, and had to drag himself half of the way there, but he finally reached the computer. The computer flickered on, "Insufficient Power in Innovative Sciences Department. Engineering has been contacted" the screen read. Artemis scoffed at the computer. "Well, where are they?" He looked around once more and was angered by the ice and snow. "If you want something done, do it yourself!" Artemis shuffled over to the experiment locker and sorted through the piles of frozen and inoperative gadgets. The only working experiment he could find was a turbo-jet. He combined it with a bunsen burner and his leftover fuel to make a rudimentary flamethrower. He melted the ice covering the door and stumbled out into the hallway. After searching the science deck, it became apparent that something was horribly wrong with the ship. Everybody was missing, and it had changed drastically since he last saw it. Determined to get some answers, Artemis shuffled into an elevator and set off to find somebody.