Send in the clones

<ooc>I’ve appropriated Captain Rimmer for use in this since it’s expedient for resolving a few plot issues and there was a little uncertainty about where Jackie actually was</ooc>

<snip>
“I've never seen such utter disgusting displays Mr Niples. This ship is disgusting!”
Seymour didn't know what to say.
“Can we still get the Pseudoephedrine?” Seymour asked.
“Absolutely not, and if you bring this ship anywhere near the station we'll blow it to hell!” He said, and stood rigid as if preparing to be transferred back to the station, but his watch chimed. He looked at it them turned eyes slowly back to Seymour. “It appears some of your crew have infiltrated our base. I'm extremely unhappy about this-”

Everything faded to white
</snip>

Rimmer gawped as Seymour, Kong and Pancake faded away in a brief burst of twinkling white light
“What the blazes?” he spluttered “Where the devil has everyone gone?”
“Dunno, but that could have all gone better, couldn’t it?”
Rimmer turned to regard Cassandra, forgotten and alone but for her squad of MACO clones
“And you are...?”
“Cassandra Jones, Royal Attaché, and these...” she gestured to the ten clones standing to attention behind her “are members of my guard”
“Humph, this ship’s carrying quite the royal compliment; is Queen herself aboard?”
“Sadly no” Cass smiled “This is a... er... diplomatic thingy”
“I see” Rimmer murmured, making a note on the clipboard he was carrying
“I’ll be honest with you Ms Jones: this ship has utterly failed its inspection” he continued “but in order to properly file my report, I still need to complete my tour of the ship, and since the clowns that were showing me around seem to have disappeared, I wonder if you might be able to assist me?”
“Why certainly” Cass smiled graciously “Would you mind if my guards accompany me? The ship can be a fairly dangerous place...”
Rimmer’s moustache twitched as he eyed the clones
“I take it that the members of the Royal Guard are better disciplined than the rest of the lax delinquents aboard this vessel?”
"Oh yes" Cass smiled brightly, turning to look admiringly at her pets, each packing huge weapons and resplendent in their armour "They respond extremely well to discipline"
"Hmm" Rimmer strode slowly amongst the massive men, admiring the size and heft of their equipment, and their highly polished helmets "Nice... Very nice indeed!"
Tugging at his suddenly (and quite unaccountably) hot and tight collar, he made a few ticks on his clipboard and turned to Cass
“It’s rare that even an inspector such as myself encounters such fine physical specimens... Do they work out a lot?” he asked as casually as he was able
“They pump iron for hours and hours at a time” Cass smirked “You should see these boys going for it, together in the gym”
Rimmer made a small noise at the back of his throat and fiddled with his clipboard
“I imagine it’s quite an experience watching them in action” he murmured
“Getting sweaty in the gym is one thing” Cass winked “Watching them present their weapons on parade is something else entirely”
“Their w... weapons?” Rimmer swallowed
“Why, yes; just look at the size of them” Cass nodded at the ten MACO’s who were all still standing erectly to attention “They’re enormous”
“I have to concede that they do look quite spectacular” Rimmer breathed
“They like to keep them well oiled...”
“I must say that they’ve got wonderfully buffed helmets as well” Rimmer sighed, his tongue darting out to lick his lips “Do your men polish them often?”
“Well, on long space journeys like these, they have to occupy their hands somehow” Cass smiled “And you know what military boys are like; they’re only too happy to help out and polish each other’s”
“I can only imagine” Rimmer said distantly
Cass glanced at him out of the corner of her eye
“If you asked nicely inspector, I’m sure that one of them would be more than happy to polish your helmet, or clean and oil your pistol – They do excel at that kind of thing...”
“I... I wonder if you might send a couple of them to my quarters later on for a personal debriefing?”
“I’m sure they’d be more than happy to accommodate you” Cass smiled
“Alright that’s enough!”
Cassandra and Rimmer wheeled to see a couple of the three metre tall MED’s flanking another grubby looking Cassandra, who was stood, cig in mouth, a little further down the corridor, most of her face obscured by a pair of heavy black goggles
“Who the hell are you!?” Rimmer asked
"Units one and two: Maintenance mode, operational override, code fifteen" Royal Attaché Cassandra snapped
The woman with the robots pulled the cig from her mouth and, exhaling smoke, flicked it away
"Not this time sister" she sneered
"Would someone please explain to me what on earth is going on?" Rimmer demanded
"MACO squad one" Attaché Cass said smoothly "Remove that woman!"
“Yes Ma’am!” the MACO’s shouted in unison, each stepping forward, wielding their menacing looking weapons
The two Medium Elimination Devices moved as one, smoothly raising their own weapons and opening fire without warning, the howl of their guns near deafening as they walked a brutally heavy and sustained burst of plasma across the corridor, tearing through the MACO’s and slaughtering the lot of them, before they could so much as react to squeeze off a single shot
"I'm so sick of you smegging GELF's" Cass snarled as she strode towards the two shocked survivors, her MED’s heavy footsteps, as they kept pace with her, the only other sound punctuating the smoky silence
Panicking, the Royal Attaché turned to flee down the corridor but was easily outpaced by one of the MED’s, which thudded after her and snapped a clawed hand out and around her neck, hauling her struggling back towards where Cassandra and the stunned Rimmer were waiting
“Where did these other smegging MACO animals come from?” Cass demanded, mentally cueing the MED to give the woman a rough shake, making Roboshah morph back into her GELF form
“The… The big military guy? The MACO?” the GELF struggled in the robot’s grip “Nanotech… There were instructions on how to do it in his lab!”
“You what!?” Cass snapped in astonishment; she had been after a decent source of medical nanites for ages and didn’t even think there were any to be had aboard the ship
“Now just wait a minute” Rimmer spluttered “Just what in the blazes is going on here!?”
“Oh, right...” Cass pulled a cylindrical metal object out of her jacket and turned to jam it into him
Rimmer froze, wordlessly flickered and then disappeared, his light-bee dropping to the floor with a clatter
“Oh, well that’s just great!” Roboshah sneered as Cass stooped to pick the light-bee up “Very well done Miss Jones; we’ve failed the inspection and now while I’m trying to win the inspector over with the offer of a bit of man on man action, you not only kill the clones, but the inspector as well, and doom our menfolk to die of their priapism – Smegging brilliant!”
Cass just ignored her and cracked the light bee open, pulling the things guts out to slot them into a port in her handheld terminal
“Are you even listening to me!?” the GELF snapped, still restrained by the MED “You know: Mister Seymour’s right in thinking that you’re too unpredictable to be relied on! You’re a bloody nightmare!”
Tapping the terminal screen a few times Cass glared up at the sex pig
“I couldn’t give a rat’s arse what he or any of the other imbeciles on this ship think about me”
“You and I both know that’s not entirely true”
“Get out of my mind” Cass said coldly
“In this instance dear, I’m not using my telepathy; your feelings for Chrysler are virtually broadcast, so they're common knowledge amongst us GELF's!”
Cass’s eyes flashed angrily
“The only thing keeping you alive at the moment is me not knowing where that lab is – don’t push your luck”
“Sorry” the Roboshah replied meekly, lapsing into silence while Cass worked on her terminal
“Would you mind if I asked what you are doing?” she asked after a moment
“There’s an easy way to pass an inspection” Cass shrugged, flicking the terminal off and slotting the light bee back together “Observe”
She switched the light bee back on, and tossed it in the air, watching in satisfaction as Captain Rimmer phased back into existence
“Well, Captain, that concludes the tour” she said, flashing a warning glare at the GELF “If I may be so bold, how did we do?”
“It’s just incredible” Rimmer beamed, seemingly oblivious to the ten dead MACO’s littering the floor at their feet “Top marks across the board!”
“Really?” Cass raised her eyebrows in mock astonishment
“I don’t think any ship has ever scored so highly!” Rimmer nodded happily “It’s not often that I get to say this; but this ship really is a credit to the fleet, and the crew are all exemplary models of excellence!”
“Why thank you Captain” Cass smiled “I’ll be sure to pass your commendations on to the rest of the crew”
“Please do” Rimmer was positively effusive “Now if you don’t mind, I think I should return to the station to stand down security and make preparations for your arrival”
“We’re very much obliged” Cass nodded, saluting smartly as Rimmer’s light bee was teleported back to the station in another burst of white light
"What did you do to him?" Roboshah asked as soon as he was gone
"Altered his programming" Cass shrugged as she turned to the GELF “So where’s this smegging lab?”

<ooc>There you go – station security disabled, inspection passed</ooc>