The gross explosion

This is the story about the grossest thing I have ever done. You have been warned.

I don't know if you've ever had a conversation with a tree, but I have. It was the most boring thing in my entire life, and I've spent an entire decade watching paint dry. The man was called Tomas, although I probably can't even call him a man. He was asexual so he had no male or female orientation at all, which immediately gave us nothing in common. I tried to start a conversation about which of the BD's command staff hotties he'd rather bang, but the guy just wasn't interested. What a weirdo! I just can't imagine having any sexual desire whatsoever, it seems totally bizarre to me.

Oh and he spoke so sloooowly too. Man, that was irritating. It would take him about 15 minutes to finish a sentence, so I only stuck around for him to introduce himself and tell me his name, I left after he started to tell me how he was born/ Some long story about a cloning set and a biodome, the rest was so boring that I just legged it and left him alone.

Annoyingly though, he was blocking the entrance to the Promenade, so I decided to go the long way around which took me dangerously close to the Arboretum. I didn't really want to meet any angry Huzards, although I did. Bastards. I was hoping to slip through into the sleazy end of the Promenade unnoticed, and spend the rest of the day in the strip club... even if it's full of rats, I don't care. I was still feeling very good about myself and with my special orgasmo programming turned up to max I could orgasm to anything, even a giant rat's furry mammories. Or so I thought.

As a Hologram I'm probably quite lucky to have orgasms without that messy business of cleaning up the ejaculate. Sorry, I know that's gross, and if you're eating while I said that, I'm deeply sorry to make you think about male ejaculate at a time like this. But I'm telling you this because I thought it was important to know. It wouldn't make any sense to include this into a hologram's program.

So I'd walked halfway through a group of Huzards before I'd even noticed it, well, I was having my 200th orgasm of the day, which can be very distracting. The Huzards were lined up, wearing the armour plating they'd stolen from the HK drones, and holding parts of its dismantled weaponry as guns. I remember at the time thinking, 'Oh great, that's all we need, Huzards with advanced heavy weaponry'. Beforehand, they'd been pretty harmless, they stuck to the Arboretum and if they did come out, which was rarely, they only had crappy sharpened sticks as weapons. Now it looked like they'd upgraded straight to plasma weaponry, even if they did have a few loose wires hanging out, where they'd ripped the guns away from the rest of the robotic drone. I wondered if the guns would actually work, or would explode in their faces, although I didn't want to find out the hard way, a plasma explosion can disrupt a hologram's program, and if I was to be regenerated by Holly, I might lose my cool new programming. Although I didn't realise at the time what a good idea that would be.

So speaking of plasma explosions, I turned around to see the Archiver's followers, the idiotic Malodorians that had beamed aboard to protect us, their gods by suicide bombing our enemies. Well, these idiots were obviously gullible because they were letting the Huzards convince them to destroy us now.

“It's our former holy one!” Said one of the suicide bombers.
“But not any more!” Said another. “We have renounced you, oh lord. We have seen the error of our ways and now pray to the Huzards as our true almighty gods!”
“Stupid bastards.” I probably said, then turning to the Huzards, who gave me a very angry glare. I didn't know until then that these evolved lizards were such racist bastards, they thought they should be the only creatures alive on the Blue Dwarf and wanted to kill all Humans, and rats, and any of the other creatures that hung about with us.
“Hey, cool your beans lizard face!” I said. “I'm not a Human, I'm just a Hologram.”
“A Pretender!” Said the Huzard leader. “Destroy him, destroy them all!”

After that, I did a lot of running. I'm not sure if physical exercise is advised after 200 orgasms, but I was actually feeling pretty tired.

Chased by the remaining Malodorians, which was about 50 of them, I couldn't count accurately to be honest, I ran into the Promenade, which was actually a bad idea because of the amount of destruction could be done here. But I needed help, and I knew the others were here, and they had guns.

Also I was hoping that Phil could convince these religious nutjobs to switch their cause again. I hope they heard my screaming from quite a long way away, I started after I passed the coffee shop, and continued as I passed Boots, Tesco, and the remaining Woolworths in existence (I don't think the rats knew it was supposed to be closed).

As I ran, I wondered about something that I mentioned earlier. I'd had about 200 orgasms today, thanks to the Archivers, and I've already said I couldn't ejaculate. It wasn't possible. The Archivers wouldn't code that. Imagine that? A programmer sitting down and writing lines of code that would make a hologram ejaculate? That's bizarre.
The Archivers are bizarre. And after 200 orgasms, I wondered how much ejaculate was stored up? It didn't bear thinking about, but unfortunately would soon be evident.

One of the Malodorians detonated prematurely, destroying the Woolworths (no big loss). But the explosion caught my program, making me turn to static for just a second, but that must have triggered something, it must have reminded a small program to start that hadn't started before, a little function that had forgotten to run.

The team in Parrotts bar had started to come out, just to see what the noise was about. They must have seen me running at them followed by 49 others, thinking this was strange. But what was stranger is that for no reason I can think of I dropped my trousers and sprayed ejaculate all over them. It was like a high pressure hose, spraying milky white holographic jizz all over the watching crowd. For 200 orgasms this must have been backed up, releasing only now.

That was the gross explosion. I blame the Archivers.

Nobody, not the dwarfers or the Malodorians knew what to do next. They just stood dripping in my holographic juices.

“Erm... sorry.” I think I said. But it wasn't enough.

<OOC - So what shall we do about the Malodorians?>