Justin's inner pervert

I love boobies.

You don't understand how much I do, I REALLY do. When the sinister Archiver man uploaded the new software into my light bee, I could have kissed him. Except I now had other things on my mind.

Despite having enough life experience to be a very very old man now, I still feel like a young kid, my body caught in those awkward puberty years where your hormones charge all over your body like a billion horny gnomes. I hope this explains how upset I was for the largest part of my life where I couldn't do the one thing I wanted the most, I couldn't feel the thing I wanted... well... I could feel IT, could I couldn't feel IT. Does that make sense? That was supposed to be a clever double entente about my penis, but it probably didn't make sense unless you think about your penis as much as I do. I really do. But for the last 3 million years it was just this flaccid thing squashed into my holographic Y-fronts (erm... I mean boxers. Super sexy boxers!) that didn't do anything.

I tried to use it. I brought it out plenty and tried to put it into things, like the drive plate flow regulator coil, and the plasma manifold input sphincter, which was fine for the first 2 millions years, before the Huzzards and the rodents became a problem and then it just got embarrassing if they caught me. Oh and those poo-monsters kept trying to attack me, which was pointless because I was soft-light, stupid bastards. Although if they'd let me, I'd probably tried to have sex with them too.

So anyway, it was so amazing when the Archiver man inserted his code into my lightbee (is it only me that thinks that sounds sexual?), err... uploaded his function into my codebase? Rammed his matrix up my database? Popped his file into my harddrive and splurged code all over my subroutines?

Anyway, I stood there orgasming for ages, even when we beamed back over the the Blue Dwarf I had my head slung back and I was trying not to cry out loud in ecstasy.

When Jay started pulling the mask off his dead wife, I was probably the only one there wanting him to carry on and take more clothes off her. No, I was definitely the only one, of course.
When Katrina's friend (an asian hottie, oh man, you should have seen her!) walked over and put an arm on her shoulders, it was too much for me! I thought they were going to lez up! At my current state it was no stretch at all to imagine them turn to each other and start snogging each other's faces off in slow, sensual movements. Their lips exploring each other's red lips, not caring that Jay was watching. Their hands exploring each other's bodies, caressing the curves of their... sorry I got a bit carried away there, where was I?

Oh yeah, I didn't notice anything was wrong until one of the enforcers was pointing a gun at me. The barrel of the weapon tickled my chest, which felt amazing. The cold metal tingled against my sensitive holographic skin. My entire body juddered as I climaxed.

Thinking about it, it would have been embarrassing if I cared. Which I didn't, I was enjoying myself! But the thing that happened next did really confuse everyone, especially the STCP enforcers. My body phased out, turning temporarily to static before disappearing completely. This had been happening for a while, but not since I was last on the Blue Dwarf. I'd asked Holly when we were on the Starbug heading towards the ocean planet and he'd said it was because a second hologram had come online. Stupid smeghead, I'm not sure why he created another one.

It's hard to describe what it feels like to temporarily not exist. It's like falling asleep, and then waking up not knowing where you are or how much time had passed. When I appeared, I had absolutely no idea how much time had passed, everything around me had changed and for a few moments I worried that I'd been deactivated for a really long time and another 3 million years had gone by. Luckily it hadn't.

I was in the Holographic control room. Behind me several banks of television screens showed what I was seeing, which was the televisions, creating some sort of infinite loop with a tv inside a tv inside a tv. I looked away as it made me dizzy. There were other screens showing something else too, I was now seeing life through the eyes of the other hologram. She was in the medibay, I could tell it was a her because she had soft hands that were caressing her swollen belly. She was a pregnant hologram? Was that even possible?

No wonder Holly was having a hard time keeping me online, he had 2 and a half holograms to render, it must have been draining his batteries, not to mention putting strain on the holo-emitters.

Unaware that I was watching through her eyes, I thought about waiting for the female hologram do do something pervy like go to the toilet, or get undressed, or start breast feeding (although I'd have to wait a long time for that). But as she was a hologram she'd never do any of those things.

Running her and me was too much, I could see the power levels at breaking point on the holo-computer in front of me, next to a very tempting button labelled “purge additional holograms”. I toyed with the idea of pressing it, instantly killing the other hologram, stopping her from existing. Her and the baby. Killing her to save myself... did I have the right?

Of course I did, I pressed the button instantly and her TV went to blank. Now I was the only hologram on the ship, and I wanted to keep it that way.
“Holly, do me a favour and don't create any other holograms, you hear me?”
Holly agreed, although didn't seem to like my attitude.
“I'm the only hologram on this ship, and if there's any more I'll kill them personally. Ok?”
It sounded a bit threatening, which isn't my style, but hey, I wanted to live. I'd been waiting 3 million years to feel as good as I did now. Which reminds me, I think I was having my 43rd orgasm at this point, resting up against the computer console as I shuddered.

“There's a stray algorithm in your computer system mate.” Holly said. “Looks like a virus. Want me to remove it?”
“Don't you dare!” I snapped at the computer.
“Err... but it's an unstable code fragment... it might corrupt yer entire system.” He said.
“I said leave it!” I shouted. After all, I didn't think it was anything but positive. Although if I knew what was going to happen later, I'd have let him remove it.

I left the holographic control room, fancying a look at this new-look Promenade that Seymour kept banging on about. Maybe the strip clubs were open again, although I'm not sure if the rodent lapdancers would be any good, but I was willing to give them a try.

But before I got there, I bumped into a guy called Tomas. I almost walked straight past him at first, dismissing him as a pot plant. But he moved, and said hello. I searching up and down the treetrunk and noticed a face smiling at me.

“What the smeg are you?” I asked him.