Achieving cummageddon

Where: In the Archiver Cathedral spaceship

It was while Seymour and Whitewolf was dancing that Justin realised how pointless his existence was. He was usually pretty enthusiastic about life, not however as enthusiastic as Efof who seemed like an over-excited dog, metaphotocally wagging his tail and jumping up and down about every mundane thing. But Justin didn't usually have any worries... apart from his 3 million year depression of course.

After he met the crew again he'd been mostly fine, and had tried to put the days of digitally killing himself over and over behind him. But there was still the nagging thing in his mind, that he still couldn't reach that special happy place.

“We detect that the great pervert is unhappy?” Said Cleric Bill, standing aside him and bowing, his robe covering his head.
“Yeah I guess.” Said Justin. “Dancing Hamsters is so 1999, don't you think?”
“We know why the great one is not happy.” Said the cleric, with wisdom in his tone. “Thou who seeks true true pleasure, rarely has a happy ending”.
“True bro.” Said Justin. “I haven't had a happy ending for 3 million years! Believe me, I've tried.”
“Come with me.” The cleric said, beckoning him with a finger.
“Err... look, I've tried a lot of freaky stuff, but you're not my type, I don't think you'll be able to...” But he found himself following him. “Oh well, I've tried just about everything else...”

Bill took him down a long corridor, where Justin started to get nervous. “I've never tried it with a man before... well... there was that time in Thailand... but I'm not sure WHAT s/he was. All I'm saying is it might take me a while to warm up...”

As they walked, they passed an arched doorway where Justin caught a glimpse of rows of people sat at wooden benches, bowing their heads to some statues. He recognised the statue were smaller effigies of himself, Jay, Cass and Phil but wondered why they hadn't been introduced to these people before. He paused and looked through the door, and at first noticed the smell.
“Uck!” He said, the smell physically knocking him back. This caused many of the people to turn and stare at him in disbelief, before bowing. They all wore robes similar to the clerics but much simpler.

He continued to walk and found the cleric who was leading him away, to a small technical lab rather than any sort of bedroom for a kinky liaison.
“I can reprogram your holographical matrix.” Said the Cleric called Bill.
“Oh, is that what you wanted me for?” Justin sighed with relief. “I thought you wanted to slip me the sausage. I'm mostly relieved to be honest, although, y'know, I'm liberal and all that. Any hole's a goal, right?” He nudged Bill in the ribs, but the Cleric didn't seem to understand so continued with his explanation.

“You wanted to achieve orgasm but your programming does not include this.” Said Bill.
“You make it sound so brutal!” Justin said. “But yeah, I can't achieve cummageddon.”
Bill held up something that looked like a tiny circuitboard between his fingers. “This small device contains the programming you require.”
Justin stared long and hard at the tiny thing. “Well they say it's how you use it.” He said excitedly.
“May I?” Bill reached inside Justin's holographic body and pulled out his light bee.
“Woah, I knew you wanted to put something inside me!” Justin joked, as his matrix flickered. Bill cracked open the bee and pushed the chip inside.
“I don't feel any different.”
“You won't at first, it always takes a while for your system to accept the changes.” Said Bill and they walked back to the others, again past the doorway with the stinky worshippers inside.

“Who are those guys?” Justin asked.
“Ahh, they are your worshippers. We haven't introduced you because they haven't yet earned a place with the Gods.”
“Well normally I'd say lets go meet them, but they smegging stink. Are they Human?”
“They're Malodorians.”
“Oh yeah, I thought I recognised the stench.” Justin said. “What are they doing now?”
“They're being trained to use the sacred bomb vest.”
“The what?”
Justin watched as each Malodorian worshipper was given a vest which they slipped over their heads, with visible packs of explosives lining the vests.
“They are being taught how to die for their gods. There is no greater honour.”
“Err...” Justin said. “I'm a liberal guy, as you know, but nothing irritates me more than extreme religion...”
The cleric looked confused. “But this is a religious temple. You are gods. We follow you.”
“Oh Jesus!”
“Who is Jesus?”
“Sorry, I mean... err... oh god.”
“Yes. You are a god.”
“Get away from me you nutcase!” Said Justin and ran back to the group.

Justin tried to tell the others but nobody seemed to listen apart from Phil. He started telling him about going with Bill, and the orgasm chip, but Phil interrupted.
“You let him change your programming?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because Archiver technology is terribly unreliable!”
Justin started to feel panicked. “What have I done?!”
“Do you feel any different?”
“No. But he said it would take some time.” Justin was unaware that he was stroking his hips with his hands, it felt good. He rubbed his hands up and down his sides, it felt REALLY good.
“Oh my god!” Justin said. “This is amazing!”
He felt warm, his face blushed, even the skin around the 'H' on his forehead. He felt really good, and decided to sit down where he threw his head back into the chair.
“Justin?”
“Yes, yes, YES!” He screeched.
Phil cringed as he saw Justin have an orgasm. An orgasm that was going to last for the next few hours. Phil decided to drink so that it didn't creep him out so much.

<snip>
Davie shot out of the dinning room and sped for the Temple Chamber. He burst in to find Phil and Justin doing rude things with their statues. Two Archivers tried to restrain him before he shrugged one off and decked the other with a solid punch to the jaw. “Stop screwing around! We’ve got trouble!” 
“What?” a mostly drunk Phil slurred. “STCP on the Dwarf.”
It took a moment for this to sink in, but once it did Phil went pale and sobered up almost instantly. “We’ve got to tell Jay. Let’s go.”
<end snip>

Justin and Phil joined the others, who had assembled in the Temple Chamber. Davie seemed to be preparing for a war, but he was the only one who actually had weapons.
Bill the Cleric hovered around, unsure what was actually happening. “Do you have any weapons you can give everyone else?” Davie asked, expecting the Archivers to unlock a huge arsenal of magnums, uzi's and pulse rifles for them. But instead, Bill nodded and said: “If you need protection, your followers are prepared to die for you.”
“What does that mean?” Asked Jay.

Justin stepped forward, his body trembling from the throes of orgasm. “I... I... I...”
“Spit it out Pancake!” Jay said.
“Men... with bombs....” Justin said, and then made funny orgasm faces and held his crotch. Jay had no choice but to slap him out of it.
“Don't slap him, he likes it!” Phil said.
Justin recoiled, then took a deep breath. “They've sent a hundred suicide bombers over to the Blue Dwarf.” Justin said.
“What?” Jay turned to the Cleric. “Is this true?”
The cleric nodded. “Your followers will die to protect you.”
“Oh bloody hell. Send us over too!”

The Archiver cleric waved a hand and all the Blue Dwarf crew members disappeared from the floating Cathedral and back onto the Blue Dwarf, on corridor B237#9 / EE945 intersection where a hundred rampaging Malodorian suicide bombers were running towards the STCP enforcers.

<Tag – We encountered a Malodorian on that planet a while back, I thought I'd bring them back, but these are brainwashed religious suicidal nutcases armed with explosives. What will happen? Will they blow the corridor to smithereens? Will they take the STCP with them? Can we talk them out of it? Will their stench alone overpower us? Will we see the Archivers again? >