Escape from Bondage in Boobage

Who: Lester, Dai, Efof and Justin.Where: Castle Boobage, home of the Duke NiplesWhen: 12th Century. Some time around tea. <SNIP> "Arrest them both!" The Duke called out. Then he pointed at Efof, who was looking sheepish. "And have that demon burned alive. I want to show the Devil how tough we are!" The the thought for a moment. "On second thoughts... burn them ALL!"Efof, Lester and Dai were taken away by the guards and they all shouted obscenities back at Justin, who just met them with a sly grin and a shrug."Thankyou for your help." The Duke said, shaking Justins hand. "You have earned a place in my court. We're having a banquet tonight, there will be much drinking, eating and corvorting."Justin rubbed his hands together. "Just my kind of activities!" He said excitedly.</SNIP> 'Ah a dungeon,' Lester said delightedly as they landed in the filthy straw, 'this reminds me of Setabelthon IV, except there it was billed as a hotel.' 'Ah, very funny, isn't it?' Dai wailed, struggling to get to his feet with his wrists in manacles. 'Good idea of yours, wasn't it? Get us arrested part of the plan, is it?' 'The problem,'Lester said, leaning against a wall and appearing to be quite comfortable in his own manacles, 'is that I frequently lie, including just then. So if I told you it was part of the plan, it wouldn't do you much good.' 'Who are you both?' Efof demanded miserably. He'd just about had it up to his genitalia with Justin Pancake and was contemplating many violent and disturbing things to do to the man. His anger was making it hard to think... or was that just his brain making it hard to think? 'That's a good point actually,' Dai said, 'I mean now's as good a time as any, isn't it? Just who are you?' The dark-skinned man didn't smile, staring intently at Dai he didn't speak for a long while, then: 'I'm Lester Seventeen-Dot-Phelps, First Technician Mechanoid maintenance engineer, onboard the Blue Dwarf.' 'Well now I believe you about the lying part, don't I?' Dai snorted miserably. 'I can assure you, Dai Evans, that I am Lester, that we've been friends for about a week now, since we met on New Tenerife...' 'It's only been about a day, hasn't it?' Dai interrupted. 'Well I've known Dai for a week. We destroyed the King Harry together to save the life of Queen Brittany and you signed up to Blue Dwarf. We were playing poker together, something which you're beginning to learn I'm exceptionally good at,' Lester grinned, 'then there was a flash, when my vision returned we were standing in a forest and you evidently had done much worse at the poker game than I previously appreciated, reduced to a set of plastic underwear as you are.' 'Oh I see now, don't I?' 'Reality dawns,' Lester nodded encouragingly. 'Does it?' Efof complained. 'Can you tell me when it's reality midday please?' 'He's not our Lester, is he?' 'Is he? I don't know, who is Lester?' 'He's a Lester. One of them. Not ours. Another Universe, isn't it?' 'Well done, give the boy another leek.' 'What for?' Efof asked. 'What are you doing here then?' 'I wish I knew,' Lester said, struggling with his manacles, 'but first things first, let's get out of here. Ah what a pity, SNIDE would cut through these things in an instant.' 'Pity you can't call him, isn't it?' 'Yes, a pity. I don't think he can hear our neural signal where he's gone,' Lester said sadly. 'Why?' Efof asked bluntly and innocently. 'Is he somewhere with a lot of rocks? In a tunnel?' Lester's eyes pierced the blue alien and skewered him like a fish, then he sighed again: 'he's dead. Little bits. Nothing left.''Oh, I'm sorry.' 'But he isn't though, is he?' Dai said excitedly. 'I mean we were brought here and he was tucked up with that lovely young Queen, wasn't he? Stands to reason he'd have come along with them and that long streak of urine you were going about with, doesn't it?' 'You mean your Lester's SNIDE is still alive?' Lester's eyes lit up. 'Last I heard, I mean we haven't got a better plan have we? Call him why don't you?' 'OK, but I'll need quiet,' Lester said and promptly sat cross legged, fingertips on his temples, 'its been a while. There are subroutines in here I haven't accessed in a while. Whatever happens,' Lester said warningly: don't wake or disturb me.' 'Lester?' Efof whispered. 'Clearly there's some translation problem here with the word quiet.' 'What are we going to do while you er... make the call?' 'I don't mind, just do it quietly.' 'Oh right.' Later... The execution had drawn a crowd, as usual. The three of them had been briefly tried by the Duke and found guilty of being: a demon, black and Welsh, which to be honest, two of them had to agree with. The moderate sized audience were forming up into an aggressive looking mob, old vegetables at the ready. Lester, tied to his post, was making eyes, smiling suavely and generally flirting with the young crones at the foot of the pyre. 'What's a pleasant peasant like you doing at a burning like this?' 'My what a beautiful smile you have, you even have some teeth. How lovely.' 'No but seriously,' Efof said to the Excutioner as he donned his black hood, 'do you really enjoy all this killing and that? I mean it can't be fun. Anyway, I'm not a demon. No really.' 'Yes I'm Welsh you English bastards!' Dai was yelling, 'I've got some seriously unstable chemicals in the pockets of my overalls, when I go up, this whole Castle will be levelled! Think about that, won't you?'Meanwhile...It tore over the landscape like a demented pool-ball in a high-velocity game where the eight ball wouldn't just end up in someone's pint but quite probably in the cellar of the next pub too. A tiny brown blur skipped from rock to rock. It's instinct was to duck into the shade, hide out in the shadows, but the strange thing on its back dug into its flanks, spurring more speed and it darted across the open fields. Outside in the damp evening air, Efof, Lester and Dai were tied to a post above a mound of dry sticks and straw. An executioner in a black hood held a fiery torch in his left hand and threw it onto the dry wood. "Nothing personal." The executioner said.  "Damn yooouuuu Pancaaaaake!!" Efof yelled.  Justin peered out of the window of the tall tower and saw the flames licking at his crewmen's feet. "Do I feel guilty at what I've done?" He asked himself. Then he shrugged. "Nahh, I've got too much drinking, eating and covorting to do". 'That's OK, Justin,' Lester said smilingly as the flames licked at his boots, 'I forgive you. Well one of us does anyway. However, it's the one that lies.' 'Before we go up properly,' Lester shouted to the crowd, 'I just want to ask you something. No really, please listen. What is a witch? A witch is someone with powers, with magic, yes? Well why do you assume that the person you can actually catch and keep is a witch? Wouldn't a witch have the power to escape? I tell you all now, the fact that I haven't left means that we are not witches! A witch and his demon would simply fly away, wouldn't they?' There was a pause, and a shuffle as people in the crowd seemed to consider this. 'Actually this is all untrue. We are witches. Well a witch, a demon and a Welshman. Sorry about that, he just came over the border with us.' 'Oi!' 'But then, I frequently lie, about a great many things and so, I ask you: am I a witch? My word these flames really are very high now.' A tiny brown blur slipped along the drawbridge of the castle, between the dozens of pairs of legs and stopped short of the now blazing fire. An even smaller silver blur launched itself from the back of a puzzled and startled looking rabbit, scrambled up through the burning branches, climbed the pole to which Lester was tied and sliced easily through the ropes that held him. Lester's heavy boots kicked at the burning logs and straw around him, sending it flying out into the crowd which screamed in panic and tried to back away. SNIDE sliced rapidly through the bonds holding Dai and Efof, as Lester led the way jumping down from the pyre. He reached out his metal fist, grabbed a handful of burning material and held it out before him: a glowing fist of flame.'Back! Back!' Lester yelled at the guards who obligingly stepped backwards, fearing a magical ball of fire. Lester waved his hand at them angrily, clearing a route to the gates. 'What are you doing? Letting them get away!' Justin's voice could be heard over the sudden fearful hush in the courtyard. 'Poke them with the spears or something!' 'SNIDE. Super-atomic-origami wedgie, meet us in the forest after,' Lester pulled back his arm, SNIDE in hand and launched him at the wall of the castle's keep. The spider-like robot clambered up the masonry, into the narrow window from which Justin had been shouting and began to crawl along the ceiling. 'No! Keep it back! Kill it! Kill it!' Justin yelled in horror as SNIDE clung to a wooden beam above him. He backed away, falling over a stool, then a table. Frantically he scrambled over the table and tried to hide underneath. Justin banged his head on the legs of the table and fell backwards onto the open stone floor. SNIDE turned his menacing red eye to glare a single spot on Justin's forehead. The message was clear: TARGET ACQUIRED.
 
The other courtiers had spotted this strange spider and were also screaming. Even the pliant serving girls were running for cover. One or two of the quicker guards raised their crossbows but the tiny robot was hard to hit. Justin tried flinging a goblet at the robot but it simply let go of the oak beam, falling directly onto Pancake's stomach. 'Get it off! Get it off!' Justin leaped to his feet and began a strange dance that would have been comical, were it not for the terrified squeal as he struggled to fling SNIDE from him. But it was to no avail. The robot found its way into Justin's collar, down his back and then into his pants. Never again did it want to think about what it found there and later, when it had recovered, SNIDE carefully edited its experiences, deleting many images. But for now: it got hold of Justin's three favourite things. It began to reshape them with deft flicks and folds, into something altogether new. As Justin was about to pass out on the floor with agony of bits of him suddenly being higher than other bits, a new level of pain was discovered as SNIDE gripped the waistband of Justin Pancake's Y-fronts and pulled, slowly, inexorably up Justin's back. There was a twang and the sound of several of Justin's vertebrae grinding together. SNIDE slipped out of the window again, leaping agily over the moat to follow Lester, Dai and Efof as they fled. On the stone floor of the keep, gently flailing and praying for the sweet release of unconciousness, the heavily mutilated Justin twitched obscenely, the waistband of his pants around his head AND around his savaged groin. He was bent backwards in a hideous banana shape. Finally, there was a soggy crunching sound as something very, very precious to Justin finally succumbed to pressure and squelched revoltingly in his pants. Blood began to ooze from the crotch of his trousers as with a sigh of wonderful relief, Justin passed out. <<There, that's about as hideous as I could make it. I was just going to have Lester pummel him but since this is a different Lester, it's worked out differently. I wonder where we'll go from here? Can we try something other than the usual "get captured/ get out routine"? A quest... ooh a quest would be awesome!>>Share your photos with Windows Live Photos – Free. Try it Now!