Lt. Jason Smegg - "Pokeball, Go!"

Lt. Smegg found the sluglike creature approaching him. He had been
waiting for this moment. He immediately donned his protective gloves and
scooped it up. The creature turned into a scorpion and tried to sting
him, but the gloves protected him from the sting. He rushed over to the
hexxentronium-reinforced experimental containment box which an
engineering team had prepared for the purpose of capturing the creature.
"Gotcha now!" he said. The creature started to morph into an elephant
inside Smegg's hands, threatening to drive them apart and trample him
flat in seconds. Fortunately by this time Smegg had placed the creature
inside the box and shut it. The box began to strain with the great force
of the expanding polymorph, but held shut because of its advanced
materials composition. Finally the creature gave up and the box lay at
rest.
Smegg called the other senior officers on the intercom to report this
capture. "I captured a polymorph all by myself!" he exclaimed, ignoring
the fact that it was actually Ensign Cartmann and his team who had
designed the special box. "Everyone to the officers' break room!" This
time he conveniently ignored the fact that most of the people he was
addressing were his superiors. Fortunately he hadn't had very much
humility to lose in the first place.
He picked up the box with the polymorph in it and began to walk toward
the break room. Suddenly the box became very heavy and it broke his right
forearm, then clattered to the floor, leaving a large dent in the
surface. "Owwww!" he yelled. The polymorph could not turn into something
very big, so instead it had turned into something very dense - a
neutronium pellet weighing 10,000 pounds. "Smegg to the doctor, I'm hurt
and need some help!" He lay on the floor caressing his arm. Hopefully the
polymorph could not turn into antimatter as well...
A medic arrived and gave the lieutenant a painkiller and bandaged up his
arm. "You'll need to come to sickbay for x-rays," she said. But Smegg,
with his humility missing, would not go: "No, I don't need to go! I'll be
just fine!" The medic insisted, but Smegg still refused. "I! Will! Not!
Go! To! The! Sick! Bay! I! Have! A! Job! To! Do!" He crawled toward the
box. "Oh, quit playing Captain Kirk with me; you need further attention.
Now get up off the floor and come along."
But finally the medic saw that it would be useless to use physical force
to make Smegg come with her, and she had other things to do than argue
with him, so she left. Smegg crawled further toward the box and gingerly
poked at it. It moved! It didn't weigh 10,000 pounds anymore! Apparently
the polymorph could not hold such a heavy form for very long. He crawled
along the floor, pushing the box in front of him. Eventually he felt well
enough to stand up. He bent back down to pick up the box with his left
hand, then thought again. What if the polymorph turned into neutronium
again? Instead he kicked the box along the floor. Perhaps the shock would
keep the polymorph from changing again!
Half an hour and numerous stares from fellow crew members later, he
arrived at the officers' break room. The captain glared at him. "Where
have you been? You called us all here and now you're late!"
"The thing got really heavy and broke my arm," Smegg tried to explain.
"See the bandage?"
"Yes, I see it," the captain replied, "do you think I'm blind? And don't
forget to call me 'sir'!"
"Whatever."
"No, not whatever!" Then the captain realized that this was useless; he
could not bring back the lieutenant's humility. "All right, whatever.
Let's begin testing the polymorph."
"All right then," Smegg said, "I said we should meet here because
polymorphs can be harmed by microwave radiation. And we have a microwave
oven in the break room."
"But we don't want to harm the creature," Dr. Van Threk objected. "We
only want to study it."
"Which is why we'll use the 'keep warm' setting on the microwave. Only
20% power." He grinned proudly.
"All right, let's give it a go," the captain said. "Unless anyone else
has any objections to this plan?"
"As if it'll work. I hate everybody. But I can't think of anything
better," Commander Nipels said.
"Let's do it," Major Harris said. "Even though it's Smegg's idea." He
said the lieutenant's name distastefully.
Smegg put the box into the microwave. But before he could open it,
several people walked into the room. One was a man, about 50 years old.
The second was a 17-year-old boy. And the third was a 10-year-old boy.
"Seymour!" the man exclaimed. "My brother! I haven't seen you in years!"
"Uncie Seymour! Uncie Seymour!" the little boy exclaimed. "Daddy, this is
Uncie Seymour, right?"
"Hey," the 17-year-old said.
Commander Nipels looked confused. "What? I don't know you. You're not my
relatives."
"Yes we are," the man said. "Don't you remember? I'm your brother Esau,
and these are my sons, your nephews, Isaac and Harry."
Everyone else in the room was confused.
"No you're not!" the commander shouted. He began to cry. "He was killed
in the atmospheric containment leak on the Verridian IX colony! You -
you're an imposter! You're a polymorph!"
With that, the man turned into a 7-foot-tall tower of slime. The boys
turned into 5-foot and 3-foot versions of the monster. The 7-foot-tall
monster seemed ready to suck out Nipels' sadness.
"I thought we only had 3 polymorphs left," Harris commented.
"They must be reproducing on the ship!" Van Threk replied.
Lt. Smegg meanwhile was working at the microwave oven with only his left
hand trying to disable the safety feature that wouldn't allow it to work
when it was open. He couldn't get it so he just bashed it with his arm
sling and hoped for the best. He pointed the microwave toward the three
polymorphs.
But the polymorphs knew of the danger, and turned into mice and ran away.
"Get them!" the captain yelled. But by this time the mice had escaped.
"Oh well, let's begin the testing we were going to do."
So Smegg placed the box back in the microwave - fortunately it did not
suddenly weigh 5 tons - and carefully opened it, then quickly pulled his
arm back, slammed the door shut, and turned on the microwave.
But... this microwave was not really a microwave! It began to glow bright
white, absorbing the polymorph inside it into itself. It spit out the box
and then morphed into a two-foot furry pink ball with enormous eyes.
"Oh, no!" Van Threk exclaimed. "The microwave must have been a polymorph
too! I also read that when two polymorphs merge together, the strength of
the things they can turn into increases exponentially! Two polymorphs
could turn into one of the most horrific monsters known to man! And four
could simulate a starbug class transport! And twenty could simulate an
entire DwarfStar mining ship!"
"This is one of the most horrific monsters known to man?" Commander
Nipels asked incredulously, pointing to the pink furrball.
Smegg jumped in, "Yes it is! We've captured a Jigglypuff! And do you know
what it can --"
The Jigglypuff cut him off, singing in an incredibly soft, sweet voice:
"Jigglypuff, Jiggly. Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff."
Lt. Smegg felt his eyelids get droopy. "It can sing and put people to --"
He and the rest of the people in the room dropped to the floor and fell
sound asleep.
--------------------------------------------
"Let me get this straight - you want to fly on a magic carpet to visit
the king of the
Potato People and plead for your freedom? And you want me to believe
you're perfectly sane?"
-Psycho Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf, "Quarantine"