Oh so blue...

Who: Lester Seventeen-Dot-Phelps
Where: His mechanoid repair workshop
When: Before all this nonsense started...
----------------------------
 
"Well you've got to go do it."
"But I... I ... there's..." Lester stared wide-eyed at the officer in front of him. She looked pretty, in a put-out, aggravated, fed-up and angry sort of way. This meant that Lester was terrified of her good looks and terrified of her temper.
He was in his usual computer suite, holding the head of a disassembled skutter in one hand while with the other he was holding down its still active body. The little blue base bucked and wriggled petulantly.
"I don't know anything about the... the... Plasma Enticement Nuclear..." Lester continued.
"The P.E.N.I.S." She said, cutting him off. "Just call it the damn penis!"
Lester went crimson, except for the area around his neural implants which stayed resolutely white making him look very briefly like a map of Mars with its ice caps.
"Look," she said, trying not to grin, "you've got the rank, you've got the skills and you can download the manual or something can't you? We're shorthanded. Chief Engineer needs help. So just do it, ok?"
"Yes sir.. Ma'am. Uh.. sir... Uh."
"Whatever," the officer turned and strode out.
"But I fix mechanoids," Lester whined and made an exasperated gesture with both hands. Released, the Skutter's body threw itself off his desk and began to industriously attempt to plough through the bulkhead.
A while later he had downloaded the manual, been shocked at the complexity of the task and then visited Engineering to pick up a hazard suit.
"Ah, so you're the gimp today, eh?" The older technician laughed at Lester as he handed over the plastic suit and helmet.
"The wha...?"
"The gimp, it's what they call the poor sod who has to go fix the P.E.N.I.S. Since they put that shop in, no-one wants to go near the thing!"
"Shop?"
"You'll find out," he laughed again and went off about his business. Lester took the hazard suit, which was orange, with a nice technical looking chest panel and its own lightweight crowbar, and took the Metro to the seediest part of Blue Dwarf's commercial zone.
The shop was easy to spot, with it harsh neon-lights and blacked out windows. Lester opened the door, in his full hazard suit and was greeted by an enormous woman with huge hair and cleavage to spare.
"Hey honey, are you here for the personal ad?"
"Wha? No. I'm here for the Plasma Ent.."
"Oh, the P.E.N.I.S. through the back, turn left at the stack of PowerPunch dildos, you can't miss it."
"Th-thanks..." Lester squeezed past the enormous amount of pornographic equipment and material, then stopped, noticing a delivery for "Mr S. N. Ide" addressed to his quarters. With a sigh he delved deeper into the back room looking for the control panel. It wasn't hard to spot and soon Lester had the panel open and his cyber-arm raised to display the blueprints. SNIDE had turned up from wherever it was he had sneaked off to and was rummaging around in a box of things that both squeaked and whirred.
What you doing buddy?" A voice asked. He turned around to see Justin Pancake. The interloper. The man who knew too much. Lester squeaked with fear and SNIDE bounced around the corner of the back room, riding an illuminated sex-aid like a bucking bronco.
Lester tried hard to explain what was going on, but it was difficult. Mostly because Justin seemed to have no concept of either caution or personal space.
Then Justin pulled the K.N.O.B. out of the stabilising array. Hurriedly Lester tried to put it back.
Justin's eyes widened. "You did that, not me."
"I did not!"
"Is it going to blow up?"
"I'm not sure." Said Lester.
"Is what going to blow up?!" Moaned a voice from under a console in a Glaswegian accent. A dark shadow sat up from a makeshift bed of oily rags and whiskey bottles to bang his head on the console above before crawling out.
Lester stared in horror at the apparition rearing up to swipe him from existance. Then he noticed the uniform and the insignia and the name badge. Horror of horrors, it was Lester's Commanding officer!
"Who the smeg are you?"
"Well I'm... I... uh... that is.. I uh..."
"He's Lester, I'm Justin!" Pancake grinned. "Who the smeg are you? And why are you asleep in the back of a porno shop?"
"Never ye bloody mind! What the smeg have ye' done? Don't tell me ye've pulled the K.N.O.B. oot the P.E.N.I.S.?"
Justin bravely drew breath, then pointed at Lester: "He's in charge of repairs sir."
"Well? What have ye t' say fer yerself?"
"I just fix the Mechanoids?" Lester quivered.
"Then what the hell are ye' doin' here an' what are ye' wearin' a Half-Life costume fer? Where's yer Hazard suit?"
"I don't... I ... just... uh... um..."
"Terribly sorry sir!" They both echoed and saluted instantly.
The Kinetically Neutralised Octagonal Battery continued to fizzle and spark, and then exploded with a pulse of light that spread out for almost a mile away from the Blue Dwarf.
"This can't be good." Said Lester. Hoping it didn't affect his first paycheck. He stared in surprise at his own left hand as it became two, then three left hands. Time and space snapped and stretched and twanged around them.
***
The meeting, the gruelling meeting where the Captain, a little sunburnt, had asked questions. Callum had claimed responsibility for fixing the K.N.O.B. which was fine by Lester. Then the Chief Engineer had dragged the pair of them to the nearest Starbug.
SNIDE had leaped up to the cockpit window and began whistling the Original Series Star Trek theme until Callum had yelled: "by the wee boggle of Loch Lomond what the smeg is that?" And flattened SNIDE with a handy magna-wrench. Lester had collected him and, after a reboot, sat in the operations room behind the cockpit with Justin and the rest of the team.
"I'm sorry," Justin said after a while. They were both wearing combat EVA engineering suits, which Lester had to modify to allow his metal hand to remain exposed. He was sitting, fiddling with the settings on his oxygen monitor when Justin spoke.
"Huh?"
"I'm sorry for you know, breaking your P.E.N.I.S. and everything."
"Uh-huh," Lester grunted. Why won't this man go away? What did he want?
"Listen, uh, after we've you know, fixed all these K.N.O.B.s do you want to go in the AR suite, we could play that cool game you've got?" Justin looked hopeful. Lester looked as if the sword of Damocles was above him and the thread was starting to part.
"Um, ok?" Lester said, anything to make him go away.
"Cool," Julian grinned. "Can I have a costume?"
"Um..." Lester didn't want to put himself forward but... "As long as it doesn't have anything to do with um... genitalia."
"Sure," Justin agreed. Well there goes Wang-boy, he sighed internally.
***
Starbug settled heavily onto the pad of the launchbay. This Blue Dwarf was slightly larger than the one they had left and seemed to be covered in more weapons than was usually expected of a mining ship. Traffic control had been good though and, once Callum had explained that as the original Dwarf in this universe they were in charge, their Starbug had been given clearance.
Lester stood at the back of the group, Justin kept rising up on his toes to see what was going on, while Lester simply hunched and hid in the shade. The boarding team were met by a contingent from this Blue Dwarf's crew, led by their Captain.
"Oh smegging hell," Justin said in wonder, "I don't smegging believe it!"
"What?" Lester tried to get a better view, SNIDE clambered on top of his head to see, went rigid and tumbled down again in a dead faint. Lester finally managed to sneak a look between two people and saw the leader of the group coming to meet them. He was handsome, looking relaxed and dashing in his white officer's uniform.
"I'm Callum Kochanski, Chief Engineer of Blue Dwarf, this universe," Callum greeted the Captain, "permission to come aboard?"
"Permission granted, Chief Kochanski," the Captain said, "I am Captain Lester Phelps, welcome aboard."
<Dun dun DUUUNNN! I couldn't resist and since I got there first, I get to do this first! Tag someone else>Get Hotmail on your mobile from Vodafone Try it Now