Lt. Smegg: "Science report"
Lt. Smegg sat at the science station of the starbug in the docking bay
reviewing the files downloaded from the derelict spacecraft.
"----CAPTAINS LOG STAR DATE 0010564"
Oh no, he thought, one of those stardate systems in which you could never
tell when something actually happened.
"Approaching the Melkari Nebula for reconnaissance mission. Otherwise
uneventful until our cheif engineer Lieutenant Gygax noted nine large
sluglike creatures crawling onto the ship's bridge. Recommended
eradication by means of level 4 ice spell, or if not possible, +1 mace of
slaying. I reminded him that this is not a game of Hyper-Advanced
Dungeons and Dragons 12th Edition. Gygax returned to muttering arcane
mathematical formulas while casting multicolored multifaceted dice on
engineering console."
So there was someone else like him, Smegg thought. If he were in command,
he'd assign Harris to a ship full of these types!
"Sluglike creatures split up, one threateningly approaching each member
of the bridge crew. We used our neural disruptors on them to no effect.
Conclusion by science officer: these creatures have no nervous systems.
Perhaps they are fungi or giant amoebas."
This guy is very analytical, Smegg thought.
"Then suddenly all the creatures somehow changed into reddish towers of
slime (with mouths) described by various crew members as between seven
and twelve feet high. These new creatures also had very large numbers of
teeth. They then proceeded to eject some sort of appendage out of their
mouths, which attempted to attach to each crew member's forehead."
Definitely analytical. Also calm.
"Only I and three others (Commander Yelton, Lieutenant Ingraham, and
Ensign Talloway) had the presence of mind to fire at the creatures. The
others apparently assumed their weapons would still have no effect, or
were too terrified to move. Miraculously, this time our weapons worked.
Four creatures slumped to the ground and changed back into slugs. Five
members of the crew, however, underwent some sort of brain sucking
process, evidenced by the fact that after the process the crew members
were in various states of hysteria."
This guy should have been a doctor, Smegg thought. (Or a reporter.) But
it was good; how else could he describe these things without going
insane?
"----CAPTAINS LOG STAR DATE 0010565
We have had some time to look up the creatures' origins in our computer
bank and have found the following data, which is enclosed in the
following attachment. [M:\LIBRARY\SCIENCE\BIOLOGY\00104065572.DOC] Oh no,
here comes one of the creatures! This time it seems to have adapted; I
can't shoot it! Aaaaaaahhh! I'm feeling very happy, I want to hug
everybody, let's give Mr. Dinosaur Man a big fat kiss..."
Smegg read through the attachment, saw that most of it was biology over
his head, and looked over to Dr. Van Threk, sitting at the other science
console. "Doctor, I think I have something you want to look at. It looks
like we have something dangerous that may be aboard our ship by now. I
sort of have a hunch as to what it is and how to stop it but we'll really
need your expertise on this matter."
The doctor looked at the files and said, "Ah, yes, I think I might have
heard of these before. They're polymorphs; they were created in the late
21st century as a cheaper alternative to robots and virtual reality. They
can change into just about any shape they want to. Unfortunately they
were never fully mastered and they developed the nasty side effect of
ignoring their instructions and turning into giant red monsters that
sucked out people's emotions. But they have a triple strand of DNA, which
is necessary for their shapeshifting ability. Triple DNA is highly
unstable; all we need to disrupt it is high-intensity microwave
radiation!"
Lt. Smegg looked back at his own console. "That makes sense."
Then he realized.
The doctor was sitting at the OTHER science console.
There WAS no "other" science console on a starbug!
Smegg's console changed into a polymorph and sucked out his humility.
Instantly he called Commander Nipels on the comm system and excitedly
reported, "Commander! I've got a brilliant theory as to what's invading
the ship and sucking out people's brains! All we need is to cook the
buggers in the microwave!"
--------------------------------------------
"Let me get this straight - you want to fly on a magic carpet to visit
the king of the
Potato People and plead for your freedom? And you want me to believe
you're perfectly sane?"
-Psycho Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf, "Quarantine"
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