Re: Efof - \"The quest for banoffee icecream\" pt 2

It's all in the mind, you see.
--- In JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com, "Andy Longman"
<sirlagerlot@...> wrote:
>
> Oh, and slugs don't have stalks!
> -----Original Message-----
> From: JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com
> [mailto:JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com]On Behalf Of Onion
> Sent: 02 June 2007 15:43
> To: JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com
> Subject: [JMC_Blue_Dwarf] Efof - "The quest for banoffee icecream"
pt 2
>
>
> Who: Efof Yuwan'Kar
> Where: In a ship that apparently looks like "a big poo"
> When: After leaving New Ffion
>
> <snip>
>
> He sulked for a bit. "Okay. Where else can I find banoffee icecream?"
> he said. He did a search on the ship's navigation computer, but didn't
> know how to spell it in the weird alien alphabet.
> "Aww!" he said aggravated. "I'm really depressed now, I need banoffee
> icecream more than ever! I need to get back to the Blue Dwarf!"
>
> He saw a small cargo ship floating off his port bow. It looked
> distinctly alien.
> "Hmm, I wonder if they have any banoffee icecream." Efof said, and
> steered sharply towards them.
>
> The quest for banoffee icecream begins...
>
> <end snip>
>
> 30 minutes later……..
>
> Efof jarred his ship left and right drastically to avoid the missiles
> that were being fired in his direction. The dumpy-looking brown
> splodge of a ship reluctantly obeyed and the missiles grazed it's
> soft and sticky outer hull.
>
> "Wow, who would have known that they would be so offended by this
> ship." Efof said to himself. "I mean, alright it's not much to look
> at, and it stinks like a cat's bumhole, but there was no need to be
> so rude!" Efof said, his brow furrowed in hurt.
>
> He got enough distance from the other spacecraft for it to turn away
> and leave him alone. When it did, Efof checked on the scanners for
> other ships or planets nearby. There was nothing.
> He fetched a stinky old rag he'd found at the back of the ship and
> curled up in the pilot's seat with it draped around him. It smelled
> bad and was covered in a thick gloopy substance, but it was the only
> thing he had to get comfortable inside. Efof liked to snuggle in
> blankets, it made him feel safe and comfortable no matter what.
> "I feel so alone." He said to himself softly.
>
> An alert light and siren went off that made him jump out of the chair
> with such excitement that he flung the grubby blanket to one side
> with such force that it stuck to the far wall of the cockpit.
>
> "Yey I'm being saved!" He said hopefully. There was a million to one
> chances that this was true however, it could have been a low fuel
> warning, a warning that he was under attack, a low oxygen warning, an
> intruder alarm, a smoke alarm, or an alarm to tell him the passenger
> in the passenger seat is not wearing a seatbelt. It wasn't the Blue
> Dwarf, but in some ways he was being rescued.
>
> The radio crackled. "Ammonia Alpha 2, calling Ammonia Alpha 2." It
> said. "We thought we'd lost you Ammonia Alpha 2, you took you're
> bloody time! Are you okay?"
>
> Efof blinked. It wasn't a voice he knew, it was raspy and said with a
> slight burble, as if the speaker had a mouth deformity that meant
> they dribbled when they spoke. There was a pause as the speaker
> expected an answer, and Efof froze.
> "Are you okay?" The speaker repeated.
> Efof had no idea who was supposed to be piloting this ship, but he
> definitely knew it wasn't supposed to be him, and he had no idea how
> they would react to his voice.
> "I'm alright ta." Said Efof cautiously.
>
> There was a pause. Efof started to panic, he felt stupid for saying
> anything and started hitting himself in the thigh.
> "Good to hear it! We're decloaking now, the docking bay is open for
> you." The voice said.
>
> Efof sighed with relief. He them looked out of the window for a ship
> decloaking, he realised it must be far away as he couldn't see anythi-
>
> Suddenly his view changed to a mass of brown.
>
> If Efof described the ship he was currently on as looking "like a
> poo", he could possibly describe the massive ship that decloaked in
> front of him as the "large diarrhoea turd of an overgrown Elephant
> bred to have 7 stomachs, 4 bowels and an arsehole stretched by a
> black hole."
>
> The ship was massive, brown and sludgy.
> "The docking bay? I can't see a docking bay!" Said Efof to himself,
> not even sure if he wanted to go anywhere near that large
> monstrosity. He flew his shuttle closer and almost gagged when he
> thought he saw sweetcorn.
>
> Luckily the ship automatically guided him into a large docking bay
> hidden in a crevice. Efof waited for a while as the bay around him
> filled up with air. He started to wonder why he was even here. "Oh
> maaan, why didn't I just fly the other way, I – oh what the frell is
> that stench?!"
>
> The cockpit filled up with the foulest stench he had ever smelled.
> Efof reached for what he assumed was the escape hatch and opened it,
> only to discover that the smell was coming from outside and was far
> worse.
> "Bleurgh blergh!" Efof said, trying to scrape his tongue. Then he
> stopped as he saw his welcome party.
>
> "You're not Gleeb!" Said a booming voice. Efof looked around, he was
> surrounded by creatures that looked like slugs, standing as tall as a
> person. They had fat puffy faces, eyes jutting out on stalks, and
> wore neat little waistcoats.
> "Who's Gleeb?" Said Efof, climbing out of the ship and standing next
> to it. Then it dawned on him that Gleeb must be the owner of the ship
> he's stolen it from in the panic of escaping his psycho ex-girlfriend.
> "He's definitely not Gleeb, he's got legs!" Shouted an authoritative
> slug. All the other slugs cringed in disgust at the word `legs' as if
> it was as repulsive to them as their long slimy bodies were to
> Efof. "No, I'm Efof. Hi!" He waved jovially.
>
> "Catch him and bring him to the Apophallationmaster!" shouted the
> authoritative slug. Several angry looking gastropods surrounded the
> four armed Ffionian.
> Efof put his hands up, indicating he wouldn't put up a fight. "It's
> alright, I'll come peacefully, I just want to ask your leader if he
> knows where I can get some Banoffee Icecream."
>
> The slugs showed him the way. Their ship was damp and moist, and
> covered all over with slime, which wasn't surprising as each slug
> left a slimy trail where he or she walked. Despite the dampness, it
> wasn't cold, it was warm and humid, and Efof felt the pubic hair on
> his head start to frizz underneath his beanie hat.
>
> They entered a chamber with a large impressive throne, where upon sat
> another slug, this time dressed in a white robe with intricately
> woven gold patterns around the edges. A red sash was hung over his
> left shoulder. The style of dress, and style of the antique furniture
> in the room was very similar to Earth's Roman period. Although this
> was totally lost on the Ffionian newcomer. The room was decorated
> with many mahogany antiques, all reflecting the Roman, Byzantine and
> Ottoman period. It reminded Efof of Seymour's apartment, but far more
> extreme and ostentatious. Large murals hung from the walls.
>
> "I am the Apophallationmaster, Emperor of the Mollopods!" the well
> dressed one boomed in a well-spoken, educated voice that seemed
> contrary the fact he was a fat slimy slug.
>
> Efof was encouraged to bow to the Emperor, or "Apophallationmaster".
> He gave a little bow.
> "So, you're like slugs or what?" He asked innocently.
> "HOW DARE YOU!" Shouted the Apophallationmaster. "How dare you
> compare us to those gypsies who carry their homes on their backs?!"
>
> Efof shrugged. "You remind me of someone." He said.
> "A gypsy?" Asked the Emperor. "Be careful what you say me-laddo,
> you've already insulted me today."
> Efof held his tongue. Nomatter what he said next, comparing the Slugs
> to Seymour would hardly flatter then, and therefore not do him any
> favours.
> "I… well… I just wondered really if you had any Banoffee icecream."
> The Apophallationmaster furrowed his brow. "That's that human
> icecream correct?"
> Efof nodded.
> "That's a good idea, I'll have some this evening for dessert.
> Servants set the table, we're having a banquet."
> "Oh cheers dude, I'm starving." Said Efof, rubbing his hands together.
> "I don't know what you're so happy about. You're the main course."
> Said the Apophallationmaster pointing to a large pot on the other
> side of the room. "Put him in the stew!"
>
> Efof looked around in panic as both his arms were grabbed. "Okay I'll
> say it. You remind me of a pretentious, pompous twat called Seymour.
> But at least HE never tried to eat me!"
>
> <To be continued...>
>