Re: OOC:- RE: [JMC_Blue_Dwarf] Efof - \"The quest for banoffee icecream\" pt 2

OOps, I meant to say snails!!
I learned some interesting facts about slugs from wikipedia:
"Slugs are hermaphrodites, having both female and male reproductive
organs."
"A commonly seen practice among many slugs is apophallation, when one
or both of the slugs chew off the other's penis."
"Various species of slug can also reproduce via tiny "darts" of sperm
which they fling in the direction of their mate's genitalia."
All real facts taken from the wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slugs
-Onion
--- In JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com, "Andy Longman"
<sirlagerlot@...> wrote:
>
> <snip>
>
> "So, you're like slugs or what?" He asked innocently.
> "HOW DARE YOU!" Shouted the Apophallationmaster. "How dare you
> compare us to those gypsies who carry their homes on their backs?!"
>
> <end snip>
>
> Carrying homes on their backs? Erm....that would be snails....
> -----Original Message-----
> From: JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com
> [mailto:JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com]On Behalf Of Onion
> Sent: 02 June 2007 15:43
> To: JMC_Blue_Dwarf@yahoogroups.com
> Subject: [JMC_Blue_Dwarf] Efof - "The quest for banoffee
icecream" pt 2
>
>
> Who: Efof Yuwan'Kar
> Where: In a ship that apparently looks like "a big poo"
> When: After leaving New Ffion
>
> <snip>
>
> He sulked for a bit. "Okay. Where else can I find banoffee
icecream?"
> he said. He did a search on the ship's navigation computer, but
didn't
> know how to spell it in the weird alien alphabet.
> "Aww!" he said aggravated. "I'm really depressed now, I need
banoffee
> icecream more than ever! I need to get back to the Blue Dwarf!"
>
> He saw a small cargo ship floating off his port bow. It looked
> distinctly alien.
> "Hmm, I wonder if they have any banoffee icecream." Efof said, and
> steered sharply towards them.
>
> The quest for banoffee icecream begins...
>
> <end snip>
>
> 30 minutes later……..
>
> Efof jarred his ship left and right drastically to avoid the
missiles
> that were being fired in his direction. The dumpy-looking brown
> splodge of a ship reluctantly obeyed and the missiles grazed it's
> soft and sticky outer hull.
>
> "Wow, who would have known that they would be so offended by this
> ship." Efof said to himself. "I mean, alright it's not much to
look
> at, and it stinks like a cat's bumhole, but there was no need to
be
> so rude!" Efof said, his brow furrowed in hurt.
>
> He got enough distance from the other spacecraft for it to turn
away
> and leave him alone. When it did, Efof checked on the scanners for
> other ships or planets nearby. There was nothing.
> He fetched a stinky old rag he'd found at the back of the ship and
> curled up in the pilot's seat with it draped around him. It
smelled
> bad and was covered in a thick gloopy substance, but it was the
only
> thing he had to get comfortable inside. Efof liked to snuggle in
> blankets, it made him feel safe and comfortable no matter what.
> "I feel so alone." He said to himself softly.
>
> An alert light and siren went off that made him jump out of the
chair
> with such excitement that he flung the grubby blanket to one side
> with such force that it stuck to the far wall of the cockpit.
>
> "Yey I'm being saved!" He said hopefully. There was a million to
one
> chances that this was true however, it could have been a low fuel
> warning, a warning that he was under attack, a low oxygen
warning, an
> intruder alarm, a smoke alarm, or an alarm to tell him the
passenger
> in the passenger seat is not wearing a seatbelt. It wasn't the
Blue
> Dwarf, but in some ways he was being rescued.
>
> The radio crackled. "Ammonia Alpha 2, calling Ammonia Alpha 2." It
> said. "We thought we'd lost you Ammonia Alpha 2, you took you're
> bloody time! Are you okay?"
>
> Efof blinked. It wasn't a voice he knew, it was raspy and said
with a
> slight burble, as if the speaker had a mouth deformity that meant
> they dribbled when they spoke. There was a pause as the speaker
> expected an answer, and Efof froze.
> "Are you okay?" The speaker repeated.
> Efof had no idea who was supposed to be piloting this ship, but he
> definitely knew it wasn't supposed to be him, and he had no idea
how
> they would react to his voice.
> "I'm alright ta." Said Efof cautiously.
>
> There was a pause. Efof started to panic, he felt stupid for
saying
> anything and started hitting himself in the thigh.
> "Good to hear it! We're decloaking now, the docking bay is open
for
> you." The voice said.
>
> Efof sighed with relief. He them looked out of the window for a
ship
> decloaking, he realised it must be far away as he couldn't see
anythi-
>
> Suddenly his view changed to a mass of brown.
>
> If Efof described the ship he was currently on as looking "like a
> poo", he could possibly describe the massive ship that decloaked
in
> front of him as the "large diarrhoea turd of an overgrown Elephant
> bred to have 7 stomachs, 4 bowels and an arsehole stretched by a
> black hole."
>
> The ship was massive, brown and sludgy.
> "The docking bay? I can't see a docking bay!" Said Efof to
himself,
> not even sure if he wanted to go anywhere near that large
> monstrosity. He flew his shuttle closer and almost gagged when he
> thought he saw sweetcorn.
>
> Luckily the ship automatically guided him into a large docking bay
> hidden in a crevice. Efof waited for a while as the bay around him
> filled up with air. He started to wonder why he was even here. "Oh
> maaan, why didn't I just fly the other way, I – oh what the frell
is
> that stench?!"
>
> The cockpit filled up with the foulest stench he had ever smelled.
> Efof reached for what he assumed was the escape hatch and opened
it,
> only to discover that the smell was coming from outside and was
far
> worse.
> "Bleurgh blergh!" Efof said, trying to scrape his tongue. Then he
> stopped as he saw his welcome party.
>
> "You're not Gleeb!" Said a booming voice. Efof looked around, he
was
> surrounded by creatures that looked like slugs, standing as tall
as a
> person. They had fat puffy faces, eyes jutting out on stalks, and
> wore neat little waistcoats.
> "Who's Gleeb?" Said Efof, climbing out of the ship and standing
next
> to it. Then it dawned on him that Gleeb must be the owner of the
ship
> he's stolen it from in the panic of escaping his psycho ex-
girlfriend.
> "He's definitely not Gleeb, he's got legs!" Shouted an
authoritative
> slug. All the other slugs cringed in disgust at the word `legs'
as if
> it was as repulsive to them as their long slimy bodies were to
> Efof. "No, I'm Efof. Hi!" He waved jovially.
>
> "Catch him and bring him to the Apophallationmaster!" shouted the
> authoritative slug. Several angry looking gastropods surrounded
the
> four armed Ffionian.
> Efof put his hands up, indicating he wouldn't put up a
fight. "It's
> alright, I'll come peacefully, I just want to ask your leader if
he
> knows where I can get some Banoffee Icecream."
>
> The slugs showed him the way. Their ship was damp and moist, and
> covered all over with slime, which wasn't surprising as each slug
> left a slimy trail where he or she walked. Despite the dampness,
it
> wasn't cold, it was warm and humid, and Efof felt the pubic hair
on
> his head start to frizz underneath his beanie hat.
>
> They entered a chamber with a large impressive throne, where upon
sat
> another slug, this time dressed in a white robe with intricately
> woven gold patterns around the edges. A red sash was hung over his
> left shoulder. The style of dress, and style of the antique
furniture
> in the room was very similar to Earth's Roman period. Although
this
> was totally lost on the Ffionian newcomer. The room was decorated
> with many mahogany antiques, all reflecting the Roman, Byzantine
and
> Ottoman period. It reminded Efof of Seymour's apartment, but far
more
> extreme and ostentatious. Large murals hung from the walls.
>
> "I am the Apophallationmaster, Emperor of the Mollopods!" the well
> dressed one boomed in a well-spoken, educated voice that seemed
> contrary the fact he was a fat slimy slug.
>
> Efof was encouraged to bow to the Emperor,
or "Apophallationmaster".
> He gave a little bow.
> "So, you're like slugs or what?" He asked innocently.
> "HOW DARE YOU!" Shouted the Apophallationmaster. "How dare you
> compare us to those gypsies who carry their homes on their
backs?!"
>
> Efof shrugged. "You remind me of someone." He said.
> "A gypsy?" Asked the Emperor. "Be careful what you say me-laddo,
> you've already insulted me today."
> Efof held his tongue. Nomatter what he said next, comparing the
Slugs
> to Seymour would hardly flatter then, and therefore not do him any
> favours.
> "I… well… I just wondered really if you had any Banoffee
icecream."
> The Apophallationmaster furrowed his brow. "That's that human
> icecream correct?"
> Efof nodded.
> "That's a good idea, I'll have some this evening for dessert.
> Servants set the table, we're having a banquet."
> "Oh cheers dude, I'm starving." Said Efof, rubbing his hands
together.
> "I don't know what you're so happy about. You're the main course."
> Said the Apophallationmaster pointing to a large pot on the other
> side of the room. "Put him in the stew!"
>
> Efof looked around in panic as both his arms were grabbed. "Okay
I'll
> say it. You remind me of a pretentious, pompous twat called
Seymour.
> But at least HE never tried to eat me!"
>
> <To be continued...>
>