Efof - "The quest for banoffee icecream" pt 2

Who: Efof Yuwan'Kar
Where: In a ship that apparently looks like "a big poo"
When: After leaving New Ffion
<snip>
He sulked for a bit. "Okay. Where else can I find banoffee icecream?"
he said. He did a search on the ship's navigation computer, but didn't
know how to spell it in the weird alien alphabet.
"Aww!" he said aggravated. "I'm really depressed now, I need banoffee
icecream more than ever! I need to get back to the Blue Dwarf!"
He saw a small cargo ship floating off his port bow. It looked
distinctly alien.
"Hmm, I wonder if they have any banoffee icecream." Efof said, and
steered sharply towards them.
The quest for banoffee icecream begins...
<end snip>
30 minutes later……..
Efof jarred his ship left and right drastically to avoid the missiles
that were being fired in his direction. The dumpy-looking brown
splodge of a ship reluctantly obeyed and the missiles grazed it's
soft and sticky outer hull.
"Wow, who would have known that they would be so offended by this
ship." Efof said to himself. "I mean, alright it's not much to look
at, and it stinks like a cat's bumhole, but there was no need to be
so rude!" Efof said, his brow furrowed in hurt.
He got enough distance from the other spacecraft for it to turn away
and leave him alone. When it did, Efof checked on the scanners for
other ships or planets nearby. There was nothing.
He fetched a stinky old rag he'd found at the back of the ship and
curled up in the pilot's seat with it draped around him. It smelled
bad and was covered in a thick gloopy substance, but it was the only
thing he had to get comfortable inside. Efof liked to snuggle in
blankets, it made him feel safe and comfortable no matter what.
"I feel so alone." He said to himself softly.
An alert light and siren went off that made him jump out of the chair
with such excitement that he flung the grubby blanket to one side
with such force that it stuck to the far wall of the cockpit.
"Yey I'm being saved!" He said hopefully. There was a million to one
chances that this was true however, it could have been a low fuel
warning, a warning that he was under attack, a low oxygen warning, an
intruder alarm, a smoke alarm, or an alarm to tell him the passenger
in the passenger seat is not wearing a seatbelt. It wasn't the Blue
Dwarf, but in some ways he was being rescued.
The radio crackled. "Ammonia Alpha 2, calling Ammonia Alpha 2." It
said. "We thought we'd lost you Ammonia Alpha 2, you took you're
bloody time! Are you okay?"
Efof blinked. It wasn't a voice he knew, it was raspy and said with a
slight burble, as if the speaker had a mouth deformity that meant
they dribbled when they spoke. There was a pause as the speaker
expected an answer, and Efof froze.
"Are you okay?" The speaker repeated.
Efof had no idea who was supposed to be piloting this ship, but he
definitely knew it wasn't supposed to be him, and he had no idea how
they would react to his voice.
"I'm alright ta." Said Efof cautiously.
There was a pause. Efof started to panic, he felt stupid for saying
anything and started hitting himself in the thigh.
"Good to hear it! We're decloaking now, the docking bay is open for
you." The voice said.
Efof sighed with relief. He them looked out of the window for a ship
decloaking, he realised it must be far away as he couldn't see anythi-
Suddenly his view changed to a mass of brown.
If Efof described the ship he was currently on as looking "like a
poo", he could possibly describe the massive ship that decloaked in
front of him as the "large diarrhoea turd of an overgrown Elephant
bred to have 7 stomachs, 4 bowels and an arsehole stretched by a
black hole."
The ship was massive, brown and sludgy.
"The docking bay? I can't see a docking bay!" Said Efof to himself,
not even sure if he wanted to go anywhere near that large
monstrosity. He flew his shuttle closer and almost gagged when he
thought he saw sweetcorn.
Luckily the ship automatically guided him into a large docking bay
hidden in a crevice. Efof waited for a while as the bay around him
filled up with air. He started to wonder why he was even here. "Oh
maaan, why didn't I just fly the other way, I – oh what the frell is
that stench?!"
The cockpit filled up with the foulest stench he had ever smelled.
Efof reached for what he assumed was the escape hatch and opened it,
only to discover that the smell was coming from outside and was far
worse.
"Bleurgh blergh!" Efof said, trying to scrape his tongue. Then he
stopped as he saw his welcome party.
"You're not Gleeb!" Said a booming voice. Efof looked around, he was
surrounded by creatures that looked like slugs, standing as tall as a
person. They had fat puffy faces, eyes jutting out on stalks, and
wore neat little waistcoats.
"Who's Gleeb?" Said Efof, climbing out of the ship and standing next
to it. Then it dawned on him that Gleeb must be the owner of the ship
he's stolen it from in the panic of escaping his psycho ex-girlfriend.
"He's definitely not Gleeb, he's got legs!" Shouted an authoritative
slug. All the other slugs cringed in disgust at the word `legs' as if
it was as repulsive to them as their long slimy bodies were to
Efof. "No, I'm Efof. Hi!" He waved jovially.
"Catch him and bring him to the Apophallationmaster!" shouted the
authoritative slug. Several angry looking gastropods surrounded the
four armed Ffionian.
Efof put his hands up, indicating he wouldn't put up a fight. "It's
alright, I'll come peacefully, I just want to ask your leader if he
knows where I can get some Banoffee Icecream."
The slugs showed him the way. Their ship was damp and moist, and
covered all over with slime, which wasn't surprising as each slug
left a slimy trail where he or she walked. Despite the dampness, it
wasn't cold, it was warm and humid, and Efof felt the pubic hair on
his head start to frizz underneath his beanie hat.
They entered a chamber with a large impressive throne, where upon sat
another slug, this time dressed in a white robe with intricately
woven gold patterns around the edges. A red sash was hung over his
left shoulder. The style of dress, and style of the antique furniture
in the room was very similar to Earth's Roman period. Although this
was totally lost on the Ffionian newcomer. The room was decorated
with many mahogany antiques, all reflecting the Roman, Byzantine and
Ottoman period. It reminded Efof of Seymour's apartment, but far more
extreme and ostentatious. Large murals hung from the walls.
"I am the Apophallationmaster, Emperor of the Mollopods!" the well
dressed one boomed in a well-spoken, educated voice that seemed
contrary the fact he was a fat slimy slug.
Efof was encouraged to bow to the Emperor, or "Apophallationmaster".
He gave a little bow.
"So, you're like slugs or what?" He asked innocently.
"HOW DARE YOU!" Shouted the Apophallationmaster. "How dare you
compare us to those gypsies who carry their homes on their backs?!"
Efof shrugged. "You remind me of someone." He said.
"A gypsy?" Asked the Emperor. "Be careful what you say me-laddo,
you've already insulted me today."
Efof held his tongue. Nomatter what he said next, comparing the Slugs
to Seymour would hardly flatter then, and therefore not do him any
favours.
"I… well… I just wondered really if you had any Banoffee icecream."
The Apophallationmaster furrowed his brow. "That's that human
icecream correct?"
Efof nodded.
"That's a good idea, I'll have some this evening for dessert.
Servants set the table, we're having a banquet."
"Oh cheers dude, I'm starving." Said Efof, rubbing his hands together.
"I don't know what you're so happy about. You're the main course."
Said the Apophallationmaster pointing to a large pot on the other
side of the room. "Put him in the stew!"
Efof looked around in panic as both his arms were grabbed. "Okay I'll
say it. You remind me of a pretentious, pompous twat called Seymour.
But at least HE never tried to eat me!"
<To be continued...>