Jed + Eddie - "Make the delivery"

Who: Captain Jed Calvert & Father Eddie Monsoon
Where: Storage Warehouse, Argyre Planitia on-the-Wolds, Mars
When: After the bus crashed
Captain Jed Calvert kicked the drunk priest until he got up. "This way
preacher, we still need to collect that booty."
Eddie got up and walked alongside Jed into the warehouse. The glass
front of the building had been mostly smashed by the exploding bus,
allowing them to walk straight through.
Jed's spurred boots crunched over the broken glass in the reception
area. Two nervous heads popped up from behind the counter.
"Oh thank god, are you here to rescue us? This place is crawling with
zombies and-" started one, but Jed had no patience. He grabbed the
closest by the hair and pulled him across the desk.
"A crate came in hyar lately, from a crash-site out on them there
plains. We've hyar come to collect it. Where is it?"
The man shrugged, so Jed picked the man up and threw him outside where
a group of zombies set to ripping his chest apart.
Jed reached for the next man. "Where is it?"
The man quickly pointed to a corridor on the right. Jed and Eddie
walked down it.
They descended some stairs and found themselves in a large warehouse
floor. It had an incredibly high ceiling and shelves full of
contraband items that the Martian police force must have impounded.
Jed rubbed his greasy hands together. "It's like a goddam smugglers
paradise!" he said with awe.
They searched the shelves and soon Jed had found the crate they were
looking for.
"Hyar's our package, a big box of porn to deliver to the High Bishop
Henrikson of the great Martian order of celibate monks."
Jed tapped the box gleefully. "This hyar is one big box of porn."
He turned to find Eddie, who was exploring elsewhere.
"Here mate… I've found something even better!" Said Eddie. Eddie
pointed to the most ludicrous looking vehicle Jed had ever seen. It
was a giant robot tripod reminiscent of War of the Worlds. The
pneumatic legs were folded in half, but you could tell that fully
extended the machine would stand several stories high.
Eddie was obviously easily impressed. "It says here mate that this was
impounded by a drug baron who was using it to protect his opium fields
and terrorise small villages into paying him security money."
It was also obvious that Eddie's attention-span was very small, as he
quickly pointed to the next thing he saw.
"Even better mate… a large keg of quadruple distilled Martian vodka!"
Jed's eyes shone. "Hot-diggedy pardner! Let's go deliver this hyar box
of porn to the Bishop and then drink the entire lot!"
"I have an even better idea mate… lets drink the entire lot, then go
deliver the box of porn."
Jed pointed his finger at Eddie. "Good plan pardner!"
-----------2 hours later--------------
The barrel of vodka went down surprisingly well to say they had no
mixers, but these two were hardened drinkers and had no taste buds
between them.
The only problem they did both have was that after 2 hours of
drinking, they both seemed to think that making the delivery would be
much better if they rode the giant robot tripod.
They lugged the box onto the large walking machine and crashed it out
of the warehouse. Here it extended it's gangly metal legs to a full 4
stories high.
Eddie looked down at the ground, it was a dizzyingly long way away.
They stomped over buildings and wreckage, safely elevated far above
the zombies. (some of which were getting crushed by it's feet).
"Giddy up, giggy up!" Jed said, riding the tripod as it if was a
horse. (A large metal horse with legs several stories long.)
It was only as they stomped away from the town of Argyre Planitia
on-the-Wolds, they started to realise that a robotic walking machine
wasn't the best choice as drunken transport. The walking motion jolted
them up and down and it wasn't too long before they were both retching
off the sides.
An hour later the tripod climbed up a large grassy mountain, to reach
the secluded Abby on top.
The orange clothed monks came out of the abby to see the bizarre sight
clambering towards them. Two hurling drunks on a giant robot.
The giant mechanical monster came to a stop just outside their outer
wall and crouched down so that Eddie and Jed were just above eye level
with the monks.
"Fear not! We mean you no harm!" Captain Jed said. "We bring something
for the Bishop…"
The monks whispered to each other in wonderment. A large crowd of them
had gathered now. The bishop stood in the centre looking slightly red
faced and biting on his fist.
Eddie threw the crate off, and received payment.
"Here you go Mate, your BIG BOX OF PORN!" Said Eddie as the robot
stomped off again.
The monks stood around and gasped at each other, before stoning the
Bishop to death.
Meanwhile on the giant stomping robot tripod, Jed's phone started
ringing to the tune of `Lone Ranger'.
"Yer?" He paused only to belch.
"Chrysler? Trouble? Alrighty-o, we'll be at the castle pronto!"
They stomped towards the castle team, like two untrustable drunken
bastards to the rescue.
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