EXAM STRESS

Efof was half way through a beef burger flavoured ice cream when he saw Kayn
screaming out of the sick bay. Efof checked the time, there were seven
minutes of the exam left. He leapt up, feeling his head wobble slightly like
a water balloon. He ran after Kayn.
He got to the end of the corridor to find Kayn waiting. Efof paused, "What
are you waiting for?" he asked.
"I know a short cut," Kayn said, "I thought it would only be fair to let you
in on it."
"Really?" Efof said, "How kind of you. Where do I go?"
"Through this white door," Kayn said, "After you, I insist!"
"Thank you," Efof smiled, stepping through the door.
The door slammed shut behind him and a voice boomed through the room.
"Welcome to quarantine" came the voice of the ships computer "You will be
contained here for the next 3 months, minimal recreational facilities will
be provided, enjoy your stay."
Efof turned round and waved through the window “Hey! Kayn! I’m afraid you
made a bit of a mistake…”
But Kayn seemed to be laughing and walking away.
“Non-humanoid entity located,” the ship’s computer boomed, “Sterilisation
procedure in process…”
A weird type of green gas began to ooze out of vents in the ceiling. Despite
his ignorance of human nature, Efof wasn’t thick. He knew that sterilisation
meant him being dead. It’s a little known fact that in times of danger
pregnant Ffionians develop a highly aggressive nature and super strength.
This isn’t even known to the Ffionians, since no pregnant Ffionian is ever
in a dangerous situation. However Efof was about to discover it. He roared,
then charged into the airlock, and kept going. A large Ffionian shaped hole
was left in the door as Efof charged down to the examining room.
Kayn had reached the examining room, and was reading the exam paper.
Time Allowed: 3 Hours
· Candidates should begin each question on a new page. Do not attempt to
write on both sides of a page at the same time.
· Do not sweat profusely all over your answer booklet. Bear in mind that the
rest of your life depends on your performance during the next three hours.
Your career prospects and financial well-being also depend entirely on this
exam. Above all, do not worry.
· Do not immediately start scribbling pages upon pages of notes. It
irritates all the other candidates.
Section A This is compulsory and is worth 25 marks. All candidates must
attempt this question.
Section C This requires candidates to find Section B.
Section B Oh! There you are! Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Section D Same as Sections E, F and G.
If you are answering questions from Section B, do not answer questions from
Sections E and G. If you are answering questions from Section E, do not
answer questions from Section C. If you are answering questions from Section
P you’re doing the wrong exam.
· Do not idly gaze around the room. There is bound to be some extremely
attractive member of the opposite sex sitting next to you who will
inadvertently spoil your chances of passing this exam by setting you off
thinking about SEX. Did you know that a student at your level thinks about
SEX on average 11 times every minute. That is one thousand nine hundred and
forty times during the next three hours. Doesn’t exactly give you much time
to apply yourself to any of the work, does it?
· Make sure you clearly indicate whether you require more paper or simply
want to go to the toilet. You will regret having to pee into a cone of
paper. It will be equally distressing if you have to finish off your exam on
toilet paper.
· Do not sniff, click your biro, flatuate, cry or attempt to bribe the
examiners.
· Please refrain from smoking marijuana in the examination room. Although it
may ease the tension for everybody, some candidates will subsequently lose
the ability to write or simply dribble involuntarily all over their papers.
· Candidates intending to write about flight engineering had better be good
at writing essays. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s STUPID candidates
like you who waffle on and pretend they know what they’re talking about when
they obviously haven’t a clue. The markers will give you a 0. The Markers
Decisions are Final. The Markers are not Bastards.
· Man, why is it always sunny outside when exams are on, eh? Everybody else
is outside lazing around in the sun and you’re stuck in here trying not to
fail this exam.
· If you finish your exam early (Ha!), try and make the pen on your desk
move using only mind power. If this works, get yourself an agent.
· Do not look at the National Bank advertisement on the back page of this
exam paper. National Bank keyrings, pens, erasers and other Bursary
memorabilia are available from the NZQA. Ask your supervisor for details.
You may now begin. You now have three hours less the time it took you to
read the above. (Bad luck if you’re a slow reader.)
Please Turn Over Now.
He was about to turn over (60 seconds left) when Efof stormed into the room,
speed read the first page and began madly ticking away at the multiple
choice questions. Kayn scowled, this was war, he got to work…
Back in Sickbay, Keto was being harassed by a member of staff claiming an
evil green cloud was filling the corridors suffocating everyon. Keto
shrugged and sprayed him with hallucinogenic ointment, knocking him clean
out….
Who will do best in the exam?
Will Efof's unborn child survive all this stress?
Will anyone notice a green cloud of toxic gas seeping through the ship?
Will James manage the high notes on "It's raining men"?
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